Her work has been a keystone of my own passions for years, and I wanted to share with you all a beautiful email she sent in the wake of the devastating shooting at the Islamic Center of San Diego on Monday. I know it is tempting to look away, and to become numb to the violence. Valerie provides a beautiful model for what it actually looks like to hold this pain, to help ourselves and each other heal, and to move forward.

She also included a form she made to submit love letters to the survivors at the center, which she will be personally delivering next week. I think this is incredibly beautiful and was eager to submit my own messages of love.

To all my muslim readers, I grieve with you deeply this week. Through the screen here, I want you to know that I see you in your pain, your fear, your grief, and your anger. I am here with you.

I have built a platform of over 20,000 people looking for community, hope, and action. It is such a gift to be able to use this platform to amplify the voices of brilliant people that deserve to be heard by as many people as possible. As soon as I read this article, I reached out to Valerie for permission to republish her newsletter in its entirety, and she generously agreed. I know it can be frightening and difficult to engage with this subject matter, but I truly trust Valerie to have the grace and wisdom to hold us through it. What follows are exclusively Valerie’s own words & work, not mine.

If you want to learn more about her work, you should start with my favorite book of hers, See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love

You can also support her work with a donation:

Donate Here→

My Love Letter to You After San Diego

by Valerie Kaur

Beloved family:

On Monday, two gunmen opened fire at the Islamic Center of San Diego and killed three people before taking their own lives. One was a security guard who died protecting the 140 children inside. The mass shooting is being investigated as a hate crime linked to white supremacist extremism. The community is deep mourning.

Let’s show them they are not alone.

Write a message of love and solidarity to the children of the Islamic Center of San Diego. I will hand-deliver your letters to the mosque next Friday.

Within a few days, the news cycle will move on from this shooting. And the painful process of healing will begin. Your messages of love and support will be bound a book as a gift for the children’s school — so that in the hard days ahead, they know they are never, never alone.

Write your message here →

You can write a message to the children. Or to the parents and grown-ups there. It can be a long or just a couple lines. It can be typed or handwritten. If you are a teacher or parent, you can invite your kids to write messages too. Forward this email. Gather and write together. We carry each other through the impossible.

If you are able, make a donation to support the survivors and families here.

The Revolutionary Love Project delivered tens of thousands of prayers and letters of love and solidarity in the wake of the mass shootings at the Sikh gurdwara in Oak Creek, Mother Emanuel Church in Charleston, Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh, and mosques in Christchurch. Let us pour our love into San Diego now.

My Love Letter to You

To our Muslim family: We see you. We love you. We grieve with you. We stand with you.

To all of us who are hurting: You are not alone. The terror of this mass shooting is reverberating in our hearts across the country.

Houses of worship are sanctuaries — where we feel safe, where we raise our children and build community, where we sing and pray, where we find refuge and peace.

One of the deadliest attacks on a house of worship was the mass shooting by a white supremacist in the Sikh gurdwara of Oak Creek, WI in 2012. I documented the aftermath for my community. I will never forget the look of agony in the children who survived, or the steady voices of our elders as they repaired the broken glass and ripped out the blood-soaked carpets with their own hands, singing and praying.

All these years later, we are still mourning our loved ones— just as we will forever mourn the three heroes who died on Monday:

Amin Abdullah, 51, father of eight, the security guard who sacrificed his life to protect the 200 children inside the mosque. His final act was to call to warn the teachers and put the school on lock-down. He is credited for saving many lives.

Nadir Awad, 57, husband of a teacher at the school, the neighbor who ran towards the mosque when he heard gunfire and was killed while trying to distract and delay the shooters.

Mansour Kaziha, 78, the beloved elder and caretaker who served the community since the mosque was founded in the 1980s. All three are being honored as martyrs for giving their lives to slow the gunmen and save lives.

We hold in our hearts the teachers who kept the children safe, and the parents who waited through hours of terror. We mourn with the families whose loved ones are not coming home. And we stand with resolve and conviction to tell the truth about the climate of hate in America today.

This shooting is not an “isolated incident.”

This act of violence comes at a time of extreme anti-Muslim hate from the federal government — hate speech, extremist propaganda, and authoritarian assaults on immigrants and people of color.

For the last 25 years since 9/11, Muslim, Sikh and Arab communities have endured enormous white nationalist rage. Loved ones killed and beaten in hate crimes. Mosques and gurdwaras routinely vandalized. Surveillance, detentions, deportations, travel bans and family separations. Forever wars and genocidal campaigns abroad keep fueling the hate at home — and those who profit from it have overtaken the highest seats of power.

Now our children, born long after 9/11, grow up in a nation more dangerous for them than it was for us. And a new generation has been trained in white supremacist hate — the two gunmen in San Diego were teenagers who found each other online and shared “broad hate.”

I grieve for all that we have lost. I rage that the violence goes on and on. And I search for signs of hope…

When I look back at the last 25 years, in the wake of every act of hate violence, there were people who did what the nation as a whole did not — they showed up to grieve with us, to offer flowers and letters and donations, to listen to our needs, to share our stories, and to organize with us.

Anytime people who have no obvious reason to love one another come together to grieve, they build new relationships—they power movements.

May we be brave with our love now —

• Honor your grief. It is a sign of how deeply you love.

• Honor your rage. It carries information and energy. It connects you with the power to fight for matters to you.

• Take time to breathe. Your fatigue means that you are awake to the gravity of suffering. Rest. Reach out to someone who can breathe with you. Only then —

• Let’s push together. Choose one brave thing. Scroll down for ways to show up for San Diego.

In heartbreak and resolve,

Valarie

P.S. Send your love letter by midnight next Wednesday!

Write Your Love Letter

We are collecting love letters from across the country and around the world and will hand-deliver them in San Diego next week. Your message of love and solidarity can bring hope, healing, and courage. It can be long or just a few sentences. Even after the news cycle moves on, families and children can read your letters and know that they are not alone.

• Type your message in the form. Or take a picture of a handwritten letter or artwork and upload it.

• Address your letter to children at the school. Or to the parents and grown-ups in the community.

• You can choose to give your name and contact, or leave it anonymous.

Make your submissions by midnight on Wednesday, May 27th.

Submit your letter →

Take Action for San Diego

1) Make a donation to support the Victims and Families: Make a donation to the Official ICSD Victim & Family Support Fund to help provide direct assistance to the families impacted by this tragedy. Donate here.

2) Grieve in community:

• Attend local vigils and stand in solidarity in your community.

  • You are invited to a community vigil tonight in San Diego — Wednesday, May 20 | 6:30 PM in front of Geisel library on UCSD’s campus. We will continue to share other local vigils as we hear about them on our social channels.

• Reach out to loved ones, neighbors, family, and friends in the Muslim community with love and support.

• Build a community altar using this toolkit from Black Feminist Futures.

3) Learn about and combat anti-Muslim bigotry:

• What is Islam (The Pluralism Project at Harvard University)

• What is Islamophobia (Facing History & Ourselves)

• How do online networks spread Islamophobia (The Bridge Initiative at Georgetown University — podcast with Dr Marc Owen Jones, expert on disinformation and digital authoritarianism)

• Countering and Dismantling Islamophobia (Toolkit by the Institute for Social Policy & Understanding)

• How can we create school cultures that counter Islamophobia (Southern Poverty Law Center)

4) Talk to the young ones in your life to help them process: The National Association of Independent Schools (NAIS) recommends:

• Talking to Children About Tragedies (American Academy of Pediatrics)

• Helping Kids After a Shooting (American School Counselor Association)

• Explaining the News to Our Kids (Common Sense Media)

• Helping Children Cope with Frightening News (Child Mind Institute)

• Helping Children Cope with Terrorism: Tips for Families and Educators (National Association of School Psychologists)

Recipe for Resilience

The Revolutionary Love Project envisions a world where love is a public ethic and shared practice in our lives and politics. We generate stories, tools, and thought leadership to equip people to practice the ethic of love in the fight for social justice.

Donate Here→

First, a win very close to my heart: Missouri has defeated ALL 58 PROPOSED ANTI-LGBTQ+ BILLS!!! They’ve done so with tremendous grace, power, and strategy. There are bigger fights to come at the ballot box this fall, but I am so thrilled the community has been protected from so many attempts at harm this session and will have a chance to breathe before they get back to work.

South Carolina’s session has also ended, with the successful defeat of 44/45 anti LGBTQ+ bills. Oklahoma defeated 52/57 anti LGBTQ+ bills as well!!

Remember folks, we can and must make room for both: none of these bills should have been proposed. None of them should have been a priority. None of them should have been passed. Every one that did pass deserves to be fought in court. Every one that passed will hurt people. It is important to grieve, to rage, and then to act. Pick which of these sentences resonates with you the most strongly, then pick an action.

None of those bills should have been proposed → Which of the legislators proposing hateful legislation are up for reelection this fall? Who are their challengers? Sign up for a shift volunteering to unseat them.

None of those bills should have been a priority for hearings or debate → Through calls, emails, testimony, town halls, voting, and in-person conversations with your legislators, we must let them know there are ACTUAL PROBLEMS that people in your state are dealing with. Ask them where they were on the cost of living, on data center regulations, on renters protections. They are wasting YOUR MONEY. Let them know how you feel about that!!

None of these bills should have passed → Look up the champion legislators who fought against these bills. Call or email or write to them to say THANK YOU. We need to make sure they continue to fight for us.

Every bill that passed deserves to be fought in court → Who is leading litigation strategy in your state? Is it GLADLaw? Lambda Legal? A4TE? ACLU? Send them a donation to help them keep working. If you or someone you know is negatively impacted by a new law, tell them!! They cannot bring a case until they have a plaintiff!

Every bill that passed will hurt people → Look up “mutual aid” in your city, region, or state (or if you’re in a safer area, pick a red state to adopt with your mutual aid donations). Donate your time, spare clothes, money, expertise, or labor to help people survive while we work in other domains to undo this harm on a larger scale.

Share

Feel the anger. Take action. AND celebrate the victories. Just because hateful bills passed, too, doesn’t mean that our efforts to defeat hundreds of attacks on our community are meaningless. Efforts towards cultural change, electoral shifts, harm reduction, and brilliant strategy to protect LGBTQ+ folks (and particularly trans folks + trans youth) are worth celebrating. Insisting these are not worth celebrating sends only one message: No matter how hard you work, it will never be enough, so stop trying. By making time to celebrate what we’ve achieved, we give ourselves the energy we need to get back to work and make some more good queer news of our own!

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Some wins in the Courts:

• A Kansas judge has temporarily blocked enforcement of the state’s ban on gender affirming care for minors and has said the law likely violates the state’s constitution. I think this is the first ruling on youth gender affirming care post-Skrmetti, so this feels like an extra bit of fresh air for me.

• A federal court has released an outstandingly scathing ruling against the DOJ for their intimidation campaign against hospitals providing safe, legal gender affirming care. Judge Mary McElroy (who was appointed by Trump!) came down hard on the DOJ for lying, forum shopping, and even said “DOJ has proven unworthy of this trust at every point in this case.” Read more in this great article from Erin Reed.

• Last week, the EU high court ruled that Poland must recognize same sex marriages registered outside the country, even if the unions are not yet legal in Poland. Now, they have registered the first same sex couple in Warsaw!

People power:

• After spending 7 months practicing a winds concert in ode to Marsha P. Johnson, the high school band in Watertown, Wisconsin was banned from performing the piece by the school board. They planned a walkout, and though the school and many of the teachers (cowards!!) tried to stop them, the students are quoted as “bursting through the wall of teachers to protest anyways!” Hear more from the students here

• You likely know by now that I am a gigantic fan of Jess Craven, the author of “Chop Wood, Carry Water” a newsletter focused on hope through action and taking action every day to make a difference. Every Sunday she sends out a special edition focusing on what went right this week, and it’s so beautiful to see. Check out this week’s update!

Chop Wood, Carry Water

Extra! Extra! 5/17

Read more

10 days ago · 469 likes · 71 comments · Jess Craven

In the beautiful world of voting:

• Hey, you! Are you someone who likes to complain about having the same sucky milquetoast candidates on the ballot in November? THIS is the time to change that! Right now, there are some INCREDIBLE progressive candidates running for office (and winning) all over the country. The more successes we have in small towns, cities, and red and blue states, the more success we can use to push for more progressive candidates on a national scale. There are some great progressives, DSA candidates, and independents running incredible primary campaigns RIGHT NOW! Learn more about some of the candidates and victories they’re already winning through Run For Something’s Feel Good Update!

Subscribe now

Did I miss anything? The best part of my job is realizing there will always be more good queer news than I can possibly know about, and that ROCKS. Let me know if you have a hopeful story in your own city, country, town, or organization worth celebrating! Every win is a meaningful win–they will all add up towards the world I know we are building together.

There is always more joy to be found!

Xoxo,

Gossip Girl

(just kidding it’s still Ben)

((or is it?))

It is a continuous delight to me, as a nerd myself, that I get to use this platform to speak not only about the news and the reasons to be hopeful that you all signed up for but also about the books and other art that are allowing my hope to continue to persist.

Also quick sub-note. For anyone currently impacted by social media’s latest wave of INTENSE fearmongering, please please check out this wonderful article by Dr. Sebastian Barr.

Weathering the Storm with Dr. Sebastian Barr

This (Trans) Therapist Is Begging You to Divest From the "Trans Panic Clickbait Economy"

If you’re a trans person (reading substack) in the United States right now, chances are high that at times in the last year and a half you have been immobilized by fear about the escalation of anti-trans violence, and particularly what comes next. There is a collective experience of panic that many of us have felt and/or are currently feeling. Immobiliz…

Read more

a month ago · 98 likes · 11 comments · Sebastian Barr

Ok Back to Books!!

Last month I was generously sent an advanced copy of Camryn Garrett’s new book, In Between Days which was pitched to me as follows:

It was a hardcore, immediate yes, and I read the book in one sitting (aided by my many hours of travel during my trip to Lithuania, but also by the fact that I could not. stop. reading.)

This book was so beautifully written, so perfectly balanced. One of the things I’m most deeply impressed by is when an author trusts their readers to read, to think, and to feel without being spoon-fed. Camryn so wonderfully trusts her readers to walk through difficult situations and feelings. At the same time, this is the most fun grief book I’ve ever read. It wasn’t intentionally depressing without shying away from the painful isolation of grief. That is not an easy line to walk! I could go on and on about how much I loved this book, but it would be even more fun to invite Camryn in to GQN for an interview!!

Let’s Get Into it!

Ben: Camryn!!! Beautiful cover. Beautiful book. I literally read the whole thing in one sitting. Oh, wow. It was so good. How did you decide that this was the book you wanted to write?

Camryn Garrett: I actually wrote this first as a screenplay in one of my classes, and I basically was like, I don’t know what to do with the screenplay, let me make this into a book! And it was really about wishing that I had a community in ways that I’m kind of building now, but I didn’t really know how to start finding it at the time.

My first book was about a girl with HIV. She has two dads. She lives in San Francisco. And when I was researching this, I was learning so much about the AIDS crisis, about older queer people, and I was like, I really don’t have connections to older queer people in my family or outside of my family.

So this new book is about a girl who becomes friends with her dad’s boyfriend that she didn’t know existed. Obviously, there’s a lot of grief. There’s a lot of sadness. But I was like, I really do sometimes wish that I had an older gay to tell me “this is how you do it.”

I think especially at that time, I was really like, I don’t know how I identify. I really am not sure. I feel like I’m doing things wrong and I really want someone to be like, this is how you do it. This is how you be gay.

Buy the book!!

Ben: Richard’s character is just so cute. And Vera is so classic Gen Alpha that she’s like, “how do you be gay?” And he’s like, “Here’s an idea of an answer.” And she’s like, “ew. You’re embarrassing.” Iconic.

Ben: One of the things that I found really, really beautiful about this book is that it’s shaped by grief, but sometimes you read a book that is sad and heavy and just stays in that sad place the whole time. I was really, really impressed that I was reading this book smiling most of the time. I’m laughing. It’s hilarious. Tell me about how you walked that line.

Camryn Garrett: Yeah. That makes me really, really happy to hear because that was definitely the goal. I lost my father, oh my gosh, almost seven years ago now. I was like, I don’t feel like I’ve seen grief represented the specific way I’ve experienced it. I was like Mira, and I was making random jokes and sort of laughing at the ridiculousness of these situations. And it was really difficult for me to engage with my peers about it.

Camryn: When I wrote the book, one of my professors was 80. I would talk to him a lot because he said “I understand what it’s like to lose parents. And a lot of your peers don’t understand, and they won’t for a really long time.” And so that sort of ties back into the idea of multigenerational community and being able to connect to people who are older than me about these things that maybe my peers or people my age don’t really understand.

I know it’s very cliche to be like, oh, hang out with older people and you’ll learn. But I do think we can find a lot that we can share. Richard lived through the AIDS crisis. He’s lived through all sorts of things. He has this sort of understanding that maybe Mira doesn’t, that her friends at the bookstore don’t, and her friends at school don’t. And that can be really validating.

Buy the book!!

Ben: Yeah. And I think you show that relationship in a way that’s really realistic. Here’s what it looks like to put effort into that relationship. Here’s appropriate boundaries. Sometimes it’s gonna be awkward, and that’s okay.

Camryn Garrett: And that’s something that a lot of young people don’t necessarily process that if it’s awkward, it can still be okay.

Ben: Oh, I really love that!!

Ben: Okay. Here’s another question. One of the things I think a lot about for myself as a writer and when I read other people’s work is that, like, at least for me, I write in part to heal myself.

I write something I need to figure out, something that is hurting, something that I need to make meaning of, etcetera. Was there something that was healed for you by writing this book?

Camryn: That’s a really good question. I think I really wanted to write not just about the grief, but also about this fear that you’re doing it wrong. That there’s a wrong way to be queer, which there isn’t.

Especially when I was, like, 20, I used to have this very intense anxiety about how I identified. For a long time I identified as bisexual. And then in college I started wondering if I was a lesbian? I had to pick one. And everyone was kind of like, who cares? It was really funny because it tormented me. It was all I thought about.

The online queer spaces I was in, it felt like if you don’t fit specifically into certain ways of expressing this identity, then you’re not as valid or you’re not a “real gay”. And my friends were like, just touch grass. It’s okay.

There’s confidence there now, and this assuredness that the way I exist is fine. I think writing this book and writing Mira and having that hindsight where it’s sort of like, it doesn’t matter. It’s okay. You find community and you find your own way of expressing what queerness looks like to you and that was healing for me.

Share

Ben: Oh, I love that, and I think that came across in the book really well, you know, especially with this journey that she was on of, like, how do I relate to people as someone who has a dead dad? And it wasn’t that, oh, actually, they can all understand. You didn’t try to tie it up with a fake bow and “we’re all gonna get it and understand each other perfectly by the end.”

Ben: There are a lot of readers and a lot of people who dream about writing or about telling their stories, but who feel like there isn’t a place for my story. What would you say to somebody who’s wanting to write something, who’s wanting to tell a story, and feels like there’s not a place for it?

Camryn: Please do!!! I think we all fall into that feeling of: if my story isn’t commercial or if I don’t think people would wanna read my story, it’s not worth telling. And I think you do yourself a disservice with that. The most important question is, is the story important to you? Would you wanna read the story? Because with everything I write, that’s the first question I ask myself.

If I’m writing for young adults, I ask: would teen-me want to read this story? When I wrote my middle grade book, would 12 year old me wanna write read this? And if the answer is yes, then I owe it to myself to write it. Just the journey of writing your story and taking it seriously is a really beautiful gift that you can give yourself, because it’s so cathartic. It’s so therapeutic for me anyway. There’s so much joy in it.

Ben: Yeah. Oh, I love that. And that too really divorces the storytelling and writing from publishing. Publishing is hell. Publishing is hard, and it’s so much about luck and finding the right person at the right time. But you could tell the story.

Camryn: You could. I just saw an author who writes queer romance, and she just sold a book that she said she wrote ten years ago. So even if you write a book now or it isn’t a book and you just write your story now and you don’t know what to do with it, hold on to it because you never know what you could do with it.

Ben: Okay. I have another question for you that I’m really excited to hear your thoughts on. I am very much of the belief that we use books to write our way into the future. We figure out what we want. We figure out how to get there. We make other people wanna get there with us. Butler, Brown, Jemisin, Le Guin, like, all those. So many authors have taught us what it looks like to write our way into the future.

As a writer, what future are you writing towards? What are you most excited about? What do you dream about individually, collectively? What are you hoping that your writing will push us towards?

Camryn: It’s a really good question. Oh, man. I really try to write my books so they feel sort of like a safe space specifically for black queer teens. And I think I’m writing towards a future where those safe spaces are bigger, that they’re more accessible.

Because I feel like it’s very trite to say “our stories are important”. I think we all know that. For me, it’s writing towards a future where there’s enough space for nuance, like, space for everyone to be who they are and be different and still be in the same community and still be supporting each other.

I’m writing toward a future where we have more intergenerational community, community across lines that we might think are really hard to cross.

Ben: Oh, that’s lovely. And I do feel like that tenderness and that safety really comes through in your writing.

Ben: Time for the last bits, and I’m so sad this interview has to end, but where can people find you??

Website to learn about all Camryn’s wonderful books and art (or to hire her for school visits!):

https://www.camryngarrett.com/

Follow Camryn on Instagram!

https://www.instagram.com/camryngwrites/

Fin

That’s all folks! Get out there and get a copy of In Between Days! As annoying as it is, sales numbers are the metric by which queer, black, nuanced, and any other beautiful and necessary and “diverse” stories are judged. These numbers determine whether publishers are willing to take on our stories in the future, what kinds of advances they give us, how much support they give us with marketing, and whether they judge our stories as “valuable”.

I had a really wonderful time reading this as an adult (and am very picky about which YA books I like) and even if you aren’t a big YA reader:

• You can donate a copy to a local PFLAG chapter or a school library!

• You can put copies in a little free library in your neighborhood!

• You can keep it on your shelf to lend it out at the perfect moment!

It was so fun for me to collect recs for Black Queer YA books in the chat last week, so if you have other recs PLEASE drop them in the comments here!!

Leave a comment

That’s all for today! Love you all so much <3

Ben

In 2022, When I began my quest to give a free presentation for every PFLAG chapter in the country, I was lonely and was making frequent visual judgments of the people around me to guess who did and did not look like an LGBTQ ally. My worldview was one that was shared among many of my peers:

Blue states good. Red states bad. Big cities good. Small towns bad. Young people, mostly cool and supportive, while the older or more “typical” somebody looked, the more likely they were to hate me.

Put differently, I thought I was mostly alone in caring about LGBTQ people. That was reflected in the kinds of trainings that I was otherwise running in my public speaking work. All the presentations I gave had three parts: what it means, why it matters, and what you can do. I shared the language and vocabulary focused followed by a statistical and emotional plea to care about the transgender community, followed by some easy action steps for people who wanted to get started in an allyship for the first time.

One of the most beautiful moments early in my PFLAG quest was when I realized that when attending these PFLAG chapters, I didn’t need to convince anyone to care. I also found a level of love and support that wasn’t coming up at any of my other events. In the Q&A section, we branched far beyond the typical definition or political or personal into questions like, is this job sustaining you? Are people kind to you? Are you eating enough? Do you need a place to stay? All of it.

The care that surrounds me as I surround myself with PFLAG chapters heals me over and over and over again. I am absolutely giddy about how resolutely I’ve been proven wrong about where there is and is not love to be found. Turns out, the love is everywhere.

The Stories I Get to Hear

I’m also deeply and fundamentally heartened by my ability to see allyship from a simultaneously macro and micro level—I’m joining one to two different chapters pretty much every week since 2021 which gives me a close-up look at what’s going on all over the country. I get to notice when more grandparents start filling the rooms. When more chapters pick up advocacy initiatives and start asking “what more can we do? How else can we build safety for our trans loved ones?” I get to speak with a father who was a Southern Baptist minister and left his career and community in order to support his trans daughter.

If you had my job, how could you be anything but hopeful?

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One of my favorite things in the world to see is when I get to be present for someone’s first PFLAG meeting. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings. Seeing someone show up tearful and wide eyed and totally lost and be completely enveloped in love and respect is a pretty magical moment. They’re given a soft place to land and gentle encouragement to grow, to be able to love their family member the way that they need.

Some of the lessons I’ve seen about that early support are captured in my article from 2024 where I was celebrating my first 100 PFLAG Presentations!

Deepening the Commitment

When I joined PFLAG, in my own city, the impact of PFLAG on my life expanded immensely. Before I joined my chapter In 2023, I was deeply involved in public speaking, but doing very little in the realm of advocacy. Then I met our board president during a trip to the state capital. We worked in a coalition to plan a counterprotest turned Trans-Joy-Party, and she asked me to become the inaugural advocacy chair. I’d only been to the capital twice, but no one else was doing the job and it needed to be done. So we built it together.

One of the things that I and many other leaders across PFLAG have learned is to ask ourselves: what’s better, me doing it imperfectly or no one doing it at all? If you’re looking at involvement of any kind, perhaps the question isn’t, am I the most qualified person for this job? Maybe it’s more like, what do I need to grow to meet this moment?

PFLAG, and so much of the radical queer history of every day people stepping up to do something has taught me over and over and over again that we save ourselves. That I am not alone. After three years living in a state away from home with very few friends, my St. Louis PFLAG chapter genuinely became my family.

Check out a chapter!

By the way, you don’t have to be a parent to join. I, as a transgender person, love being involved in my PFLAG chapter and I get a lot out of the relationships I’ve built there.

When I hear from someone who’s feeling isolated or frightened or ready to get to work or in need of support, the very first thing I do is look to see if there’s a PFLAG in that area because I know they are almost always ready to jump right into action. It’s incredible.

If you want to check out the local PFLAG scene, you can use this website to do so!

Find a chapter!

ALSO, PFLAG national is an amazing organization using their power, connections, and resources to build organizing power on the ground and file major lawsuits against the federal government to continually fight to protect trans and LGBTQ+ youth. I am consistently awed by their strategy and commitment to taking major risks in order to protect this community (and to work on public education enough to make the world a bit safer by default, too).

If you’ve got some extra cash to throw around and some extra love in your heart for the great work this organization is doing, don’t forget to check out their donation page!

Donate to PFLAG!

Fin

The love I have both given and received from PFLAG has changed me more deeply than I think I’ll be able to understand. And I know this for certain. My hopefulness, my dedication, my energy, my safety are constantly being lifted up and replenished by the power of PFLAG.

If you’re a member of a PFLAG, by the way, and you want to do an event together, please let me know! As I hope I have proved by now, these events are completely free, and I am getting so much of what I need from them.

With all my love (and a little bit extra because my heart is so full today),

Ben

I know. I have a lot of anniversaries. But part of choosing joy for me is about seeing lots of pieces of my life as worth celebrating and finding many opportunities to reflect on how far I’ve come! I’ll have as many parties as I like 🙂

Today is the two year anniversary of the release of my book: My Child is Trans, Now What? A Joy-Centered Approach to Support.

To celebrate, I want to share some of my favorite strategies from the book as well as a little bit about how much my life has changed because of this book. If you’ve been around for a while or even if you’re relatively new here, you probably know by now that joy is a very deeply held value of mine, and it’s something that I bring very thoughtfully and strategically into everything that I do. That most certainly includes supporting trans youth.

For so many parents and families, I found that people were getting stuck on fear and anger and suicide statistics. The whole reason people were getting involved or stepping up as allies was because they didn’t want their kids to kill themselves. Don’t get me wrong, neither do I. But centering joy means supporting trans kids not just because of what I’m afraid of but because I want to see them become joyful, lovable, resilient, loved, safe, fulfilled, trans adults. Having something we are fighting for, something we are working to build, will always be more sustainable in the long term than just something we are trying to run away from.

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Since I know attention spans are short and I want as many trans kids as possible to feel as safe as possible, we’ll start with the strategies:

Number one: Celebrate the journey. Often.

Mark the date of their coming out or their legal name change or their top surgery, and celebrate that date. Treating that date as worth remembering and worth putting effort into sends the message that you view their journey as something good and beautiful. If they’ve just come out, What would it look like to honor that? Maybe they want to have a redo of a gendered ritual, like a bar mitzvah or a quinceanera. Maybe they want to host a gender repeal party or have the slumber party they always dreamed of being invited to.

Number two: Make intentional efforts to make them feel seen.

That means trying as a verb to get their name and pronouns right—the verb component of this being critical. I learned very quickly the difference between people who would say “I’m trying” just to get me to stop being upset, versus the people who were actually practicing and correcting themselves. Trying means effort! Two things can be true at once: you can give yourself grace for the truth that it can be very challenging to learn a new name and pronouns for someone, AND working towards getting it right matters a lot.

We can also help them feel seen beyond names and pronouns, like by having a formal family dress up dinner or they can wear clothes that make them feel affirmed, asking them what kind of compliments make them the happiest, or asking them directly, “how else can I make you feel seen?”

Number three: Look at grief from a different lens.

Often, when parents and families describe the grieving process they go through when someone comes out as trans, a significant portion of this is grieving expectations.Reflect more deeply. How do you know that you had those things? How do you know that they’re gone? I may not be my mom’s little girl anymore, but our relationship is so much closer now that I’ve seen her prove that love is actually unconditional and that she’s willing to go to bat for me when it isn’t easy. How might your relationships be deepened by this journey? And finally,

Number four: Don’t let this journey be shaped by the negatives.

Ultimately, life is one long story we are telling ourselves about the meaning of the various things that happen around us. If we choose only ever to think or talk about the bad news, about the problems to be solved, or the unsupportive family members, or the fears we have, those will become the entire story because it is the only story you are telling.

Take time to look for and sit with and celebrate the good news happening around you. When you’re preparing for a family gathering, don’t just ask what are we worried about, but also ask who do I think will surprise me the most today? Who will make the best effort on pronouns? Who will ask the best question? Who am I most grateful for? These kinds of reflections make space for us to tell ourselves a different story.

The challenges will exist either way, But we can and must choose to look for moments of peace and joy amid those challenges.

My chief barketing officer would probably bite me in my sleep if I didn’t include at least one link to buy the book. So here it is! But, really, all I want to say is that it’s up to all of us to build something better for trans youth. They deserve it.

I know I’ve got a lot of trans people and their families on this newsletter. I’m certainly not the only joyful person here. I’d love to hear from you. What has been the most joyful part of your journey of support with your loved one? Or how have you used joy as a strategy for support?

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The Story of the Book

When I started working as a public speaker in 2019, I knew in the back of my mind I wanted to write a book that was somehow about transgender inclusion, but I wasn’t exactly sure what that book would look like. Once I started deepening my work with different PFLAG chapters and beginning my official quest to do a free event for every PFLAG chapter in the country, I realized that a book about supporting trans youth was the most important place to start. Over and over again in these meetings, I heard parents arrive mired in grief and fear and saw chapter leaders lovingly and patiently redirecting these fears towards love and joy, reminding those family members that no one has died and that this journey isn’t just about what you will lose, but about what you stand to gain. It was beautiful to witness.

Around the same time, I noticed a huge proportion, though certainly not all, of the most popular books for families of trans kids weren’t written with any trans perspectives. I figured it was about time we had a book about supporting trans kids written by a trans adult who had fairly recently gone through the journey of being a trans kid in need of resources. It was incredibly healing to write a book with all the things I wished my parents and school and community had known at the time.

Realizing I could be the reason a student could feel safe by default in their classroom or can feel totally supported at their next Thanksgiving was such a moving experience for me. So moving, in fact, that I ultimately made the dedication of the book: to little Ben in 2015. Thank you for choosing to stay so that I could write this book for you.

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There were a lot of publishers who told me they didn’t need another book on the subject, that I didn’t have a big enough platform, that people didn’t care enough about this issue, or that I wasn’t the right person to write this book. There were some pretty dramatic moments in which we genuinely thought this book was down for the count. And yet, here it is, having blown past expectations of sales numbers, preparing for a paperback release in October. And more importantly, having meant something to so many people. The stories I have heard from people who’ve been touched and changed by this book are held very, very close to my heart.

Since its release, I’ve been fortunate not just to hear those stories but to fall in love with the process of telling stories in a totally new way. Though I’d always seen myself as a reader, this book journey gave me the confidence to see myself as a writer, and the dreams of what that could look like, and it’s driven me to build a career in writing here on Substack and to have a list of about 10 more books in various stages of development. I didn’t see myself as a writer at first, but everything is impossible until it isn’t.

If you want to learn more or you’re ready to get more involved, check out some of my favorite articles here:

That’s all I’ve got for today. Thank you all so much for being on this journey with me!

All my love,

Ben

As many of you may know, I have spent the last seven years working as a public speaker on any topic I can think of surrounding trans rights, LGBTQ+ inclusion, and building a better world. I’ve identified that cultural change work through storytelling and judgment-free spaces for questions is my best way of contributing to the world I want to be living in. Pride month, which will be upon us in short order, is basically my Super Bowl.

There are a lot of things I’m good at. Marketing is not one of them, which is why I’ve hired my chief barketing officer, Oliver.

On our walk this morning, he helpfully (probably) pointed out to me that I have a platform of over 20,000 people that would probably love to support me if I told them how to do so. Either that, or he was barking at a squirrel. It was probably both—he’s a multitasker.

Last year, almost 50% of my presentations were either free or paid less than $100. That on top of all my political advocacy, writing, parent support, and work here on Good Queer News. This isn’t a complaint, this is a good thing! This is what I want! I am absolutely over the moon that I do enough paid speaking and have enough paid subscribers on here to have the bandwidth and the stability to do so much free work (and to help my wife and I afford the IVF process we’re undergoing!!!!!!!). Many of you are already contributing to making this happen. Thank you!!

One of the things that I find the most challenging about marketing is that once I can actually get into the room with somebody on a call or in their email inbox, they’re so excited that we’ve met. I know that the presentations that I do are joyful, are well researched, are meaningful. I’m good at my job once I have the chance to prove it, but it is really hard to get into that room.

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What does help look like?

No matter how hard I try to make it clear that the marketing emails I’m sending are human generated and that I am genuinely reaching out because I love my job and want to bring more joy to a workplace, they are still marketing emails, and the people I’m emailing don’t know me. There will never be marketing that is more effective than personal referrals and introductions—on cold outreach my success rate is about 3%. For referrals, it’s about 60%.

I would love it if you would help connect me to people in your personal network that might be interested in hosting an event together. Here are the kind of people I’m looking for:

• Leader or member of an employee resource group, business resource group, or affinity group

• Job titles that include things like Diversity, People, HR, Culture, Belonging, Learning & Development, and Inclusion

• Anyone at a cool nonprofit

• A friend who is really passionate about supporting their trans kid and works a corporate job

• Maybe you don’t have the names, but we’re one degree of separation away, who do you know that might know some of these people?

There are so many things that I speak about from foundational trans 101 trainings, to storytelling panels, to queer history, to misinformation, to trans youth, to getting more involved in allyship and advocacy. All of these events, and my others, have the through line that makes good queer news so lovable: joy and hope and humor and storytelling.

Also please note: my priority is not finding companies with the hugest budgets possible or that have gigantic rooms full of people. In this moment in time budgets are tight, and my top priority is just to be having as many conversations as possible. I celebrate just as hard booking an event for a few hundred dollars as I do for a full priced event. I speak for companies, hospitals, schools, nonprofits, parent support group, religious congregations, book clubs, you name it and I want to be there.

I’ll make it even easier with some language that you might use:

Good morning! I was wondering if we/you were planning on doing any programming to celebrate pride month in June. It has been a difficult few years for LGBTQ+ people, and any show of support or efforts for education really mean a lot right now. If you’re still looking for a speaker, I know somebody who could be perfect. He focuses on joy and hope and storytelling. You can also look at his website here at www.bgtranstalks.com. I subscribe to his substack, good queer news. [If you’d like to include something here about what this newsletter means to you or the impact it’s had on your life, that personal addition can sometimes be very special and very helpful.]

Would you like me to make an introduction?

I’m so appreciative to you for reading this article. I know the reality is that some people will see that the headline of this article is me asking for something instead of providing something and just scroll by, so just the fact that you were willing to open this email and spend some time thinking about how to help me genuinely means a lot to me.

As a thank you, here is an additional photo of the chief Barketing officer being perfect:

There’s plenty more good queer news to come. If you have thoughts, ideas, questions, you’re welcome to respond to this email, leave a comment, or send me a message. If you want to learn more about the story of how I got into public speaking or some of the other topics I speak about, you can check out the longer form article I wrote about it a few months ago.

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I think that’s all the news that’s fit to print. So for today, I’ll bid you adieu.

All my love,

Ben

First a quick request: If you are a trans person who has changed your name, one of my community members here is working on a workbook to help people figure out their new names. Would you take a couple of minutes to tell the story of your name here?

The survey!

Okay… let’s get into the good stuff!! First I’ll share one of my favorites, which was sent to me by someone who is both a friend and a GQN subscriber! (if you have good news stories from your neighborhood or community, please send them to me, too!!)

Looking at this picture just makes me smile. I love Missouri so deeply, having lived there for five years, and I know that this picture would shatter expectations that a lot of folks have about Missouri. It is a state full of tremendous faith, tremendous activism, and these things do not counteract each other. So often they intersect in ways that bring me so much hope.

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Legislative Sessions are ending and we are continuing to see some amazing results from the hard work of advocates on the ground.

Kentucky has defeated all 10 proposed anti-LGBTQ+ bills this session!! Read more about how they did it: https://queerkentucky.com/kentucky-no-anti-lgbtq-laws-2026-legislative-session/

Mississippi has defeated 13 out of 14 anti LGBTQ+ bills proposed this session.

Nebraska has defeated all proposed anti-LGBTQ+ bills proposed this year, including many sneaky proposals from a single senator attempting to sabotage/hijack other bills meant to actually help Nebraskans. Neither democrats nor republicans wanted to waste their time on hate! https://outnebraska.org/reflections-on-the-2026-nebraska-legislative-session/

West Virginia has defeated all proposed anti-LGBTQ+ bills proposed this year!

These wins don’t happen by accident, and they don’t happen for free either!! If you want to help another state join the ranks of 100% success stories, consider a donation to PROMO in Missouri or Oklahomans for Equality (two of the states with the highest volume of anti-LGBTQ+ bills)

All above here is proof that TAKING ACTION WORKS. Calling and writing to your senators means something. It adds up, even if you don’t think it will. When people talk about staying informed, it’s critical to balance that with a focus on the actions we are able to take.

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Access to Care

In case you haven’t seen, a federal judge struck down RFK’s “declaration” aka threat about federal funding for hospitals providing care for transgender minors. The ruling is truly artful and does not mince words: “unserious leaders are unsafe.”

Since that ruling, the largest children’s healthcare system in Minnesota has restarted their care, and the attorney generals of both California and New York have ordered hospitals to comply with state nondiscrimination laws and reinstate care! (puberty blockers and hormone therapy are available to cisgender minors in these states, making the voluntary care restrictions illegal in many state constitutions)

We still have a lot further to go on rebuilding access to care, so if your state does not have a ban on gender affirming care, reach out to your state attorney general, champion state legislators, or apply direct pressure via calls and emails to hospital leadership. Not the doctors. You don’t need to pressure them, I promise they are fighting the same fight from the inside.

Remember, gender affirming care is SAFE, WELL-RESEARCHED, AND FEDERALLY LEGAL! If anyone under 19 needs help accessing gender affirming care, please reach out to the trans youth emergency project. (and if you don’t need help accessing care, maybe give them a donation!)

Speaking of the variety of brilliant scholars who’ve worked to develop our understanding of best practices in gender affirming care, the Pediatric Academic Societies came under fire this week for planning a panel at their conference that included none of those voices. Instead they opted to exclusively platform speakers tied to the Society for Evidence Based Gender Medicine, SEGM, a fringe hate group formed to legitimize anti-trans healthcare bans and push christian nationalism and conversion therapy. Erin Reed did some fantastic investigative, solutions-based reporting on the conference in the lead-up. She’s now written a follow up on the conference this past weekend that truly filled my heart with hope.

Erin In The Morning

Trans Youth And Doctors Joined Forces In Protest Of An Anti-Trans Panel At Pediatric Conference

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a month ago · 478 likes · 32 comments · s. baum

Look at all the disparate groups who decided independently that something wasn’t right and they wanted to DO SOMETHING!

Other Wins!

The Supreme Court has declined to hear an appeal from January Littlejohn—the mom in Florida who has inspired many of the country’s forced outing laws after her trans child was supported by teachers without January’s knowledge. This doesn’t make me a fan of the supreme court, but I am extremely relieved we won’t be seeing a nationwide ruling on requiring forced outing in schools!

A teacher in Michigan was suspended for sharing empathetic words about a trans athlete in an interview. After significant public backlash, and after the broader Title IX investigation that was ongoing was found to be meritless, he was reinstated!

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Australia is changing its rules to allow gay and bi men to donate blood!

Botswana has officially removed anti-sodomy laws from its penal code, creating significant safety for its LGBTQ+ residents. A queer couple is currently suing the government for the right to marry as well, and activists are hopeful they will be able to continue building a more accepting country.

The EU high court has ruled that Hungary’s ban on LGBTQ+ content in schools and on television is unconstitutional, and now that the populace has overwhelmingly voted out the far right authoritarian Orban, we’re hopeful they will take fast action on this!

There’s some fascinating new polling from Fox News that shows, among many things, voters trust democrats more than republicans on transgender issues by more than 13%. There’s been a lot of debate and discussion about what that truly means, but this polling provides a few hopeful glimmers for me. I think Erin Reed has some great thoughts on the matter!

Also, after I thought the deal was dead from a few court dust-ups in November, it appears that comedy/satire website The Onion is close to finalizing their purchase of InfoWars, the far right media platform Alex Jones was forced to sell after his bankruptcy and defamation lawsuit about his repeated claims that the Sandy Hook shooting was faked. They will be using the platform to talk about gun safety and LGBTQ+ rights, and to share funds generated with the families of Sandy Hook victims.

A group of drag queens who sued a city in Utah for violating their first amendment rights won their case…and $350,000 to cover their legal fees!

Students at Baylor University in Texas—a Baptist University with a tangled history of safety for LGBTQ+ students—hosted an LGBTQ+ affirming event with queer christian speakers for the first time. The event was hosted on the same day as a TPUSA event, and drew over 300 people to attend. Props to the students for fighting to make this happen, and to Baylor for being willing to stand up to continued pressure to suppress their queer students!

That’s All I’ve got!

I know it’s tempting to jump right back into “the fight”, to smile about these wins and put them down to go right back to the doomscroll, but I want to encourage you to resist that urge.

If we want to keep taking care of ourselves, we have to sloooooow down. Instead of treating these victories like a shot of espresso, treat them like a cup of tea. The peace we get isn’t just from the act of consuming them as quickly as possible. It comes from sitting with it and letting the knowledge of our power go deep into our spirits.

Which victory meant the most to you? Write about it. Tell a friend about it, send the link to someone you love. Start to build a practice of savoring instead of just sprinting on to the next thing.

Ok that’s everything! Don’t forget to let me know if you see any victories you’re particularly proud of. The wins are all around us if we decide to look for them!

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I’ve written about this many times before for places like North Carolina and Iowa. This time around is my furthest and big biggest bubble pop yet: Lithuania!

In 2023 at the PFLAG national conference, I met a wonderful new friend who was helping to run an organization titled “Mothers for LGBTQplus children”. We collaborated on a few virtual events and have stayed in touch over email. Last summer, she reached out to me to see if I might be interested in collaborating on a grant proposal to bring me to Lithuania. I excitedly agreed, and a few months later, we found out we’ve gotten accepted! With many thanks to the Baltic American Freedom Foundation, I would be bringing my expertise in trans inclusion to Vilnius, Lithuania.

Like I do before any trip, I started out with some google searches: “Lithuania transgender bathroom ban?” (okay on that front) “Lithuania anti-trans laws?” (mostly youth healthcare focused and a lack of affirming protections) “is Lithuania safe for transgender people?” (not a lot of violent crime, but it’s one of the worst ranked for inclusion in the whole EU.)

The results gave me a brief moment of pause. Truthfully, a result like that means very little to me at this point. Many of the places that I travel or the places that I’ve lived—like Missouri from 2020 to 2025—have been painted with the same broad stroke. The politics are regressive, end of sentence. I’ve seen how much people can survive, I know how to assess which laws are an immediate threat to my safety vs an immediate priority to fight back against, and I know that laws cannot possibly reflect the sentiments of an entire population.

So I boarded my flight a few weeks ago, sent the first three books of “Dungeon Crawler Carl” from my library to my kindle, and headed to the Baltics!

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Immediately, I was surrounded with love. I travel a lot for work, and at this point it’s roughly a 50/50 split between work for corporations and work for parent groups. Let me tell you, I can feel the difference!! My posse of brilliant parent advocates weren’t just fantastic tour guides. They made sure I ate enough at every meal, called me to make sure I had my raincoat, walked me home every night, and made sure the entire trip went smoothly.

Getting to Work!

While I know I have lots of great wisdom to share, I also love to learn. I particularly love learning what changemaking and organizing look like in other places, which is why I was thrilled that the first official event of the visit was a gathering of leaders in the LGBTQ+ rights movement from across the country. Everyone shared what they were working on, what they were most passionate about, and what they needed help with.

What I love most about being in rooms like this is the understanding that we align deeply on values and goals while disagreeing strongly on strategies and priorities. While I might have strong opinions on what I think are the best strategies, I don’t have psychic vision so I don’t actually know what’s going to work. I think the more approaches we try at once, the better our odds of achieving the changes we’re working for.

There were folks in the room in medicine, psychology, education, media, government, and parents working hard to advocate directly for their trans kids and the kids that will come after them. I learned a lot from them, and I hope I was able to bring some of my helpful experience building coalitions in St. Louis.

The next day started out with a Jewish heritage tour around the city. Vilnius, like many, many other cities in Europe (and eastern Europe in particular) has a long, beautiful, tragic Jewish history that ends with some glimmers of hope as they rebuild and honor some of the historic sights. Much of my job, and many parts of my transition in general, can be frightening at times. My Jewish faith has often been a source of strength for me. This community has been politically disfavored (if I want to use delicate language here) for most of history, and yet our history is one that teaches me constantly about compassion, trust, resistance, grief, joy, and survival. There is something that feels beautiful about seeing the scars across the city of how badly they wanted to erase us and standing outside the boundaries of the ghetto, using my Jewish values to fight for a better world.

After a much needed siesta, it was time for…

The Main Event!

The next few days were absolutely packed with programming. We held four additional events, including:

• A session on gender affirming healthcare for the medical school and healthcare professionals

• A session on mental health challenges and support for the social work and psychology students

• A session on the global history of the fight for trans rights and strategies for equality in the future for the general University students

• A warm, intimate storytelling session for a group of parents of trans kids

The content for each was about an hour, and the Q&A lasted at least 40 minutes for each conversation. We got deep y’all. We talked about hope, science, fear, politics, and personal stories. Some people were joining who seemed to be engaging with the topic for the first time, which always feels extra meaningful to me.

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In the final session, I even got to talk to some folks about how to start doing what I do (public speaking/advocacy) in Lithuania, and spoke with a very talented writer about their work in queer historical fiction! They told me they weren’t sure there’d be an audience for a YA queer historical romance. Want to help me prove them wrong? Check out this particularly tender piece :)

Ambers & Teacups

Curly Hedgehogs

That day was not a bright and sunny summer’s day, but a rainy and unpredictable one. This mattered little to the little group of boys, however — they revelled in the unstoppable elements no matter the weather conditions…

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2 months ago · 1 like · Lilian

Because the sessions were livestreamed, we also had the privilege of reaching far more people than just those in the room. All in, we had participants join from Lithuania, Estonia, Moldova, Finland, Israel, Germany, Switzerland, and Slovenia, and at least 15 different wonderful local organizations. I won’t be able to see every change that this program made, but I know in my heart this meant something real.

The sessions were deeply meaningful to me, and I know I wasn’t the only one. In the evaluations, one parent shared,

The night before my flight out of the country, my hosts treated me to a trip to a Jazz cellar to see a small Jazz concert. When my grandfather was alive, some of his favorite things in the world were traveling, Jazz, making new friends and enjoying a well-mixed cocktail. Sitting back with my new friends halfway across the world and listening to Jazz music without complaining (sorry about that, Grandpa) left me with a beautiful feeling of connection to him. That wasn’t a particularly queer experience, but I think it is a deeply human one.

In Summary

What an adventure. What a gift it is to be alive and to be able to meet amazing people who are genuinely passionate about building a better world literally everywhere. How could I have this job and be anything but hopeful! Let this trip, and this article serve as a reminder of some of my most deeply held truths:

1. It is almost always worth it to talk to each other, to seek to understand one another, regardless of what blanket assumptions you might be tempted to make.

2. There is no one right way to make change, and the more strategies we have, the better! What matters is you choose the avenue that you are most passionate about so you actually do it!

3. Grounding ourselves in history, both communal, global, and personal, give us the wisdom and the strength we need to push forward into the future.

4. Equality will not happen by accident. Connection will not happen by accident. Change will happen ON PURPOSE when we choose to be a part of it!

And finally, remember that just like we must choose involvement, we must also choose rest. Everything is urgent, so in some ways nothing is. I spent nearly every walk through the city using the Merlin app to identify the unfamiliar birds around me. I read my book during solo breakfasts even though I could’ve been catching up on emails. I demand and protect my time to be a human, and to connect with other humans, and this is what allows me to keep going.

A huge huge thank you again to the Baltic American Freedom Foundation, to Vilnius University and the VU School of Medicine, to Mothers for LGBTQplus children, and to Lina, Dovile, and Rūta in particular. I will leave a piece of my heart in Lithuania with you. Until the next time!

In just a few short weeks (From April 30-May 2), Comfrey Films will be hosting their second annual Black Trans Short Film Festival in Durham, North Carolina, to uplift the stories of Black transgender, gender nonconforming, and intersex artists shaping our cultural landscape through films. The event aims to show future generations that — despite the growing hostility and dismantling of civil and human rights — the trans community has always existed, stunningly, and with great courage.

Learn more about the festival, and the options to attend and support online, here!

Check out passes!

Also, this month Comfrey films is trying to raise $30,000 to support Black Trans art!! Since I absolutely loved the time I spent with Joie Lou, and I think Black Trans artists are some of the most brilliant people of all to lead us out of this mess, I am going to be donating 50% of all new subscriber revenue this month to Comfrey Films!! If you’d rather donate directly, send me a message afterwards and I will give you a complimentary upgrade to a paid subscription!

Direct Donate

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I actually held this interview a few weeks ago, and some of the things Joie Lou shared with me have been bouncing around my brain non-stop since. I can’t wait to share that with you all! Let’s dive in.

The Film Festival!

Ben: Let’s jump right in to the festival. Give me the pitch! What is Comfrey Films all about?

Joie Lou: Our festival is very specific to black trans directors, producers, writers. We don’t just want to see ourselves in front of the camera. We want the decision making power to determine what the story is.

We need something that can build capacity for the work of individual black trans people to the emotional labor that they have to do. And, yeah, we need additional resources to be able to have the power to tell our own stories.

Ben: Something I really love that I’m hearing about this story is that there’s this energy to learn more. When this started you weren’t a filmmaker, and then you realized where the need was and what you loved doing. And you were like, great. I’m gonna figure out how to be good at this because I love it and because it needs doing.

Joie Lou: Yeah. As a person that was, outside of my dignity, I was so not a confident person. I didn’t understand my own power. And this practice of filmmaking really brought me into that. And then it also sort of feeds itself. Right? My film can help someone else understand their own power.

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Ben: That’s so amazing. Tell me a little more about who should be attending this festival? Why?

Joie Lou: So most people are unclear what to do in this time and how to survive this political moment. This political moment is something that black trans people are especially practiced in.

Ben: This is not new for everyone.

Joie Lou: Exactly. This festival is a space to come, learn from, connect with, be with people who are experienced in this political moment. It’s going to be so much inspiration, so much power, so much experience and wisdom shared in community meal conversations and screenings and networking sessions.

A lot of people might think: “how can you focus on art right now in a time like this?” And the truth is art is how we get through times like this. There’s a lot of wisdom that black trans folks have to share in that regard. So just come and experience. Just come with your arms wide open and let your cup be filled.

You know? Let your spirit be inspired. Find love in all the forms because it will be at this festival.

Ben: Oh, love. Love. Incredible. Amazing. And I can tell your your demeanor is so joyful. You are so lit up by this. You are so excited about this festival, which I’m just... I love to see this energy. Tell me more about the filmmakers for this year! What kind of talent do you have going on here?

Joie Lou: The filmmakers coming out are fantastic. We have an excellent slate of films with a mix of genres. We have our documentaries. We have our experimental girlies. We have our thriller horror, maybe a little bit of gore.

We have a little bit of romance, a little bit of sexiness. The possibilities are endless. The slate of films, both from our film screener, and also our directors in residence. There’s lots and lots of topics that’ll be touched on from grief to how to survive as a trans person in prison.

There’s a podcast that is coming out during the festival called sixty seconds remaining by one of our past directors in residences, talking specifically to black trans women in North Carolina’s men’s prisons. Getting their actual voices and reflections, and there’s a whole universe.

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Building Something Bigger

Ben: What has surprised you most about how the festival’s grown since you started it?

Joie Lou: The first iteration of the festival was three years ago, and it wasn’t a festival. It was a black trans short film competition. And in response to that, folks were like, what would be dope would be if the filmmakers could have all been there in person and met each other and get together to fuse minds and all of that.

And I realized what this could grow into. Folks can train each other in different elements. Film is a whole universe. After I had my initial vision for the full festival, what really surprised me was the people who said yes. I remember Brian Brian Michael Smith was one of the first people that said yes to coming and being in person at the festival. And I was just like, woah.

You can really learn from having mentorship and true connections with industry professionals, whereas industry professionals can really get re-inspired and reinvigorated by emerging filmmakers. And those are both such valuable insights to be shared. It also surprises me every year that there are new films. It can be a very expensive art form. It’s a long art.

Each year that we’ve put out a call for submissions, I’m like, “y’all, I don’t know if anybody’s gonna submit.” And there’s a brand new slate of films that grows each year. And so it just points to how much of a yearning is there within the community. And, also, I think folks are getting the opportunity to connect with each other, which is connecting folks to new financial opportunities to be able to fund their stuff and then also new crew.

The festival is sort of that gift that keeps on giving just in terms of connection. You’re able to really connect with people in such a cool way. We have formal events, folks get dressed up or whatever, but the connections are so homey. They’re so informal.

Ben: Yeah. It’s that cycle of empowerment that we were talking about earlier that you have this idea, and people are like, I wanna work on that with you. I wanna watch it. I wanna sound design. Like, let me get in on that.

Joie Lou: Yeah. You know, it’s real connections. This year a really exciting expansion is we’re launching our Level Up Lab, which is gonna be an acting workshop led by Brian Michael Smith for emerging actors. The training itself will prepare you for industry auditions, for self tapes, for all of that you need to know about being an actor in the industry or in independent filmmaking.

I am 100% sure that the folks who participate in this session will have people’s films that are in the room, which will later be submitted to the festival the following year or the years following to then be screened. And then they might be coming in as director. There’s the pipeline.

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Ben: And how amazing is that, to be so deeply defying this idea that it’s just horrible and brief to be alive as a trans person, And yes, it’s scary, but also look at the vibrance and resilience of this community to exist and to be planning out the festival three years from now. Somebody’s saying “is this the end of trans people right now?” and you’re out here actually investing in our future as a community.

Joie Lou: Yes. Yes. That’s why I am very invested in building infrastructure. You know? Building something that will outlast erasure.

Ben: Outlasting erasure. Hell fucking yeah, dude.

For Those at the Start

Ben: What would you say to somebody who’s right at the beginning? Credits are rolling, they have watched their first short film, and they’re having that moment of like, wow. I didn’t know art could do that. What if what if I did something like that? What would you tell that person who’s in that moment?

Joie Lou: Feel inspired by something, do it. You know? It’s not gonna be perfect. It’s not gonna be great. But you have to start from somewhere. I feel like even for my personal life, the things that bring me the most joy are the things that I had to be brave enough to claim.

But, really, don’t underestimate that time and the power of just messing around with stuff by yourself to figure out what it is about something that inspires you. You might start on a path of feeling really empowered by this short film about dance. And you might think, oh, okay. I’m really into short films, but maybe it’s actually dance.

Just have a lot of grace for yourself, and don’t be afraid to just start with what you have. You can only grow from there.

Ben: You can only grow from there!!!! Exactly!! Joie Lou, this has been a treat. Any closing words to the good people of Good Queer News?

Joie Lou: In the words of Ms. Major, we’re still fucking here. We have always been here, and we have found each other. We have found new ways to find each other. And, okay, they’re muddying some of those ways, but we will reemerge. There’s nothing that you can do to obliterate transness from existence. They’ve tried time and time again, and we’re still here.

Thanks!!

That’s all I’ve got for you today!

Here are a few great links from the team at Comfrey:

Join us at the next Black Trans Short Film Festival! There’s a virtual option for the festival here if folks can’t attend in person.

Check out Chemistry: The Trans Dating Show! Like, comment, and subscribe to the channel to support its growth.

Stay connected via our Newsletter! If you are interested in creating or consuming media alongside or by Black trans people, we share opportunities all year long!

And again, I’ll be donating half of new subscriber revenue this month to Comfrey to help them hit their goal of $30,000 of donations in April! Trans rights advocacy isn’t all court battles and immediate survival, it also means investing in trans futures.

If you donate directly, I’ll upgrade you for free to a paid subscription! Honor system here. Just message me and I’ll get you set up as soon as I can :)

All my love until next time, Ben <3

Also, I am about 45 people away from 20,000 subscribers here, which is seriously unbelievable. I cannot thank you all enough for the ways this project has changed my life, and when I return from my travels I will definitely be taking some more time to reflect on what this journey has meant to me.

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I have a few articles scheduled while I’m away, but there are so many AMAZING things happening I couldn’t wait to send out a quick roundup of some great news stories before I leave!

• Georgia’s legislative session has now ended, and advocates managed to defeat EVERY ANTI-QUEER BILL!! This wasn’t by accident or by default. This was HARD WORK. Well done, Georgia!! Here’s their breakdown for how they did it:

• Children’s Hospital of Minnesota, the largest provider of pediatric care in the state, has restarted their gender affirming care program in the wake of RFK’s court loss on his attempts to threaten hospital funding over trans affirming healthcare. https://www.advocate.com/health/transgender-health/childrens-minnesota-restores-trans-care Hopefully more hospitals follow their lead!

• In Wisconsin, despite spending on anti-trans attack ads, the state supreme court election secured a liberal majority for at least the next TEN YEARS! https://boltsmag.org/wisconsin-supreme-court-election-2026-taylor-wins/

• In Georgia, a special election for Marjorie Taylor Greene’s open seat (bye felicia!!! Her departure is its own victory) was MUCH closer than republicans wanted. While the seat stayed red, her district was known for being one of the reddest in the country—but it moved to the left by 25 POINTS!

The Downballot

Morning Digest: Liberals expand majority on Wisconsin Supreme Court

Leading Off…

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2 months ago · 104 likes · 210 comments · Jeff Singer

• In Festus, Missouri, the city council recently held a vote on bringing an unpopular, water/power draining data center to town. In the elections that followed, all four incumbents that voted yes on the data center lost their seats to pro-transparency, anti-data center candidates! https://www.stlpr.org/government-politics-issues/2026-04-08/6b-data-center-festus-voters-oust-every-incumbent-council-member

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• On Wednesday, a federal judge denied the administration’s request to stay a preliminary injunction that bars federal officials from conditioning or terminating funding for health care providers based on their provision of gender-affirming care to patients under 19. Hospitals will remain protected and care can legally continue!

• Idaho banned the pride flag, so Boise wrapped the light posts and lit the state house up in pride colors in protest.

Erin In The Morning

Idaho Banned The Pride Flag. So Boise Wrapped the Flagpoles Themselves In Pride Colors.

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2 months ago · 381 likes · 19 comments · s. baum

• While the Trump administration is attempting to roll back support for trans students, more and more school districts are saying loud and clear that they won’t leave trans students behind. Mesa County in California is the latest of many. https://www.cbs8.com/article/news/local/federal-title-ix-rolls-back-transgender-student-protections/509-a48edcce-1e25-4f0b-b038-a08a0a24c705

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• The EU’s high court has ruled that all EU member states are obligated to recognize the identity documents of transgender individuals who have earned legal gender recognition in another EU state. This is a huge win for transgender Europeans!!!

ALSO. Last thing. I have had a lot of people reaching out to me directly, or posting on social media, trying to get trans people to absolve them of their guilt for watching the new HP show. I will respond to you all in bulk here (and can write something longer about it later, if there’s interest).

1. If you want to ask a trans person to make you feel better about giving money to JK Rowling, you must pay us at least 15 dollars for psychic damage first.

2. I know it hurts so badly!! I see you in that hurt. I am right here with you. Nearly every queer kid I know fell totally in love with the story of an outsider being the hero who saves the day. This whole mess breaks my heart and it’s okay to feel sad about it!

3. If you want to give money to JK through supporting her work, I recommend giving at least $20 to the organizations helping to support trans people in the UK whose lives she is working very, very hard to ruin.

   1. https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/

   2. https://transactual.org.uk/

4. If you are feeling unsure, or don’t understand why everyone is so mad at JK Rowling for being “mean on twitter”, learn more first. https://theweek.com/feature/1020838/jk-rowlings-transphobia-controversy-a-complete-timeline

5. Ultimately, so so many actions can be traced back to harm directed at different marginalized groups. We cannot be perfect, we cannot avoid inadvertent harm. If you feel SO strongly that you want to watch the show, I don’t actually care. Just please stop telling trans people about it! Make it your guilty pleasure and keep it to yourself.

6. There are SO MANY great queer and trans affirming witchy books, shows, and movies to engage with instead. My personal favorite is “Her Majesty’s Royal Coven.” What’s your favorite?

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Ok that’s all I have!!! I am off to begin my out of office adventures in trans rights in the Baltics, and I’ll see you all in a few weeks!

All my love,

Ben

The festival isn’t over!! There are recordings of the previous shows from last week, a week of additional performances, workshops, and a community day next Saturday. There are still many ways to engage from all over the world.

Check it out!

Throughout the weekend, I had the chance to interview writers, performers, producers, and Laser Weber: the creator of the entire magical experience. When Laser first came up with the idea for the festival, it was as a kind of “carbon offset” for the arrival of a theatrical production by She Who Shall Not Be Named.

“What if we flier outside of the Harry Potter play, and we say, ‘Just pay extra. Like, pay the cost of that ticket and come see a trans play.’ I put a call out to friends, to ask if anybody wanted to do a show, and it was a lot more people than I expected. Last year, we did 30 shows—it was a full month. This year we’re doing 40 shows in two weeks, because everybody’s crazy.”

Originally, Laser thought it would be a one time thing, but the more people he met and the more impact they saw, they realized it needed to become something long term. What they’ve built is nothing short of incredible.

(P.S. If you insist on watching the new HP show, you can “carbon offset” it by buying the full access pass to the whole festival! https://www.zeffy.com/en-US/ticketing/digital-ticket-bundle-joy-who-lived)

Because I love trans theater and I’m a big proponent of “go big or go home”, I attended almost every show this weekend. I was there for nearly 10 hours both Saturday and Sunday, and it was magnificent.

I interviewed lots of artists while I was there (and I wish I could include the full transcript of every one. Everyone I met was BRILLIANT and so talented!!) and Summer Benson gave me one of my favorite quotes of the weekend. I asked them: “Why trans art? Why now?” and they laughed a bit and responded: “why take your next breath? You know, it just kinda feels like a natural thing to do, and I just feel like it’s needed. I mean, the house is packed. Everyone’s here. This festival is so successful for a reason. It’s because trans people need these stories. Non-trans people need these stories, too.”

I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes the world hurts. A lot. For me, this festival was medicine.

Kid Power!

Kid power kicked us off on Saturday afternoon. Sitting in a room full of trans and queer kids belly laughing, queer families surrounded by joy, healed me in ways I didn’t know I needed healing.

We spent 90 minutes being delighted by stand up, improv, songs about becoming, and a very very popular ostrich puppet from a sketch about figuring out who you are.

Afterwards I spoke to a number of families about what it meant to them to be there. Many of them shared a similar sentiment with me: this festival was a pushback against the narrow fear of what queer art can be and what it means to be a queer kid. This was something radically different, fun and playful and deeply gentle. To be a trans kid means to be silly and curious and loving and this show was defined by that, instead of the stupid debates that attempt to flatten or erase our lives.

Next up was the short play incubator, an amazing collection of short plays from new Playwrites. These shows were unbelievable, so hilarious, so special, and deeply, deeply trans. I particularly enjoyed seeing trans art without any ham-fisted need to make our stories palatable, add in definitions, or help people make sense of our experiences. We made this to make sense of ourselves!

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Throughout the weekend, I was struck by the enthusiasm, creativity, weirdness, playfulness, and trust that the space encouraged. All of this was by design. When Petey Gibson, one of the producers for the festival, was telling me about the things that excite him most about the festival, it was the community aspect that truly lit him up.

The festival wasn’t alcohol-centered, it wasn’t simply a matter of show up, watch your show, and leave. There was constant gathering, community building, feedback, even a game show that turned on the house lights and requested the audience members turn to each other and offer an earnest, genuine compliment as loudly as they could.

Everything from the bowl of immigration alert whistles to the mask policies the accessible seating deepens the feeling that community means showing up for each other every way we know how. Even the walls of a theater were decorated with portraits of trans artists and performers from today and from decades and centuries before, reminding us that we have always been here, we have always been beautiful.

The intentionality of the festival also celebrated the beautiful diversity of what it meant to be trans. Different bodies, ages, and stories, talked about transness not as a universal commonality shared in a vacuum but as something that enriches and is enriched by experiences of neurodivergence, blackness, disability, womanhood, and more. In a space where we didn’t need to prioritize whether cis people would understand our experiences, we had the safety to dive into far messier conversations. Stories about a Korean trans twink trying to outrun his twink death, (title: The Twink Death of the Universe. Trans people are so freakin’ funny.) or an audience participation adventure in learning to ask for help for a group of shape shifting high school students, or finding forgiveness for fathers who never saw us.

One of the things that I noticed the most as I went through the festival and that started to work its way into my interviews was realizing that for so many people, this festival was a launch pad, a realization of what’s possible. When I spoke to Matt Pasini, they told me before the festival they weren’t feeling sure what their career could look like as a trans actor, but after performing they realized there was so much more they could do. Their energy for making trans art was deeply refilled.

One artist, Xander Pretti, summed up the experience of the festival gorgeously: “When people are given the space to see all possibilities, they feel freedom to be themselves. I hope trans actors saw this and said, ‘there are roles for me.’ There are people who are creating for me, there is space for trans directors. I just want people to know that there is a space to put up their work.”

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So many of these writers and dreamers and performers left the festival with big plans for what comes next. Book releases, pilot pitches, festival circuits, so much of which can be exhausting as a trans artist. And yet so many of the artists I spoke to were leaving feeling energized, reminded that while it can be exhausting trying to sell trans art to cis producers and cis audiences. Art by, for, and about our community is incredibly beautiful and has a place in the world.

The audiences didn’t just cheer their hearts out at the end of every show. We waited around outside after every show to cheer every actor, writer, and techie on their way out the door. This festival gave countless trans artists, both who were a part of the festival and just sitting in the crowd, a much needed dose of healing, energy and encouragement before getting back to the grind. On my way out last night, as I was feeling giddy with the realization that I couldn’t leave before doing the rounds to say goodbye to all my new friends, I gave Petey a hug and told him how proud I was of the ridiculous game show he’d just hosted and the festival he’d helped to put together. And he grinned at me and said, “we’ve got a hell of a fight ahead of us. We need this joy if we’re gonna be able to win,” and I couldn’t agree more.

Especially for my allies who read this newsletter, for people who are deeply, deeply frightened about trans people in the present day. I want us to make a regular habit of channeling that energy instead towards brilliant trans futures. Fear energizes us to play defense, but that won’t add up too much if we don’t also build the capacity to dream of something far more beautiful.

Check out the bundle!!

Here’s a great link to get a bundle of access to the recordings, and your money will go to paying trans artists and making sure we can make EVEN MORE TRANS ART!!

Until next time.

All my love and all my joy, Ben

(P.S. This article is my first foray into more formal reporting that I’d love to continue doing more of. Forgive me while I work out how to do this as a one-man team! If you catch errors, loved this new style, or have ideas/questions/concerns/complaints please let me know!)

• Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers has vetoed 5 anti-trans bills!

• The AMA has fully and deeply reaffirmed their support for gender affirming care!

• A powerful transmasc athlete trio has placed third in the ironman triathlon this weekend!

• Florida had two great special election flips, including the district where trump lives!! For all those keeping score at home, these marked the 29th and 30th seat flips for democrats since 2024. Republicans have flipped 0 seats.

What did I miss? What good news has happened in your community this week?

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Iowan Adventures!

As many of you might be aware, one of the central components of my job is that I’m a public speaker. I travel around the country and around the world (next week’s trip is to Lithuania!!) I tell my story, share strategies for allyship, and get to meet fascinating people. Sometimes these efforts take me through a variety of Zoom calls with companies, or quick in-and-out visits for a live event.

Other times, they involve a deeper dive into a certain region or community. Last fall, after a particularly beautiful trip all over the Midwest and North Carolina, I wrote this article, which I learned was quite meaningful to many of the folks that read it.

Often, no matter where I am, the people I talk to describe themselves to me as being in a bubble, feeling that they are isolated in caring in a sea of states or counties or cities or people that are full of hate.

But I’m constantly going outside of that bubble, finding love, and finding people who feel they too are alone. I just returned from a beautiful five day excursion of constant bubble popping all around Southeast Iowa, and I’m eager to tell you about it. The trip was planned and advertised by a wonderful gentleman named Paul, who’s both a new friend and a true friend.

He poured more hours than I can know into marketing and planning these events all over the state, ranging for media interviews, radio appearances, wallpapering flyers with my face in his town and the towns that surrounded it. While I expected the visit to be pretty good, nothing could have prepared me for the ways I felt so deeply and fully wrapped in love over the course of this trip.

The events themselves were wonderful. They were full of trans people and their families and allies. Gatherings of community members, grandparents, many, many pastors, and curious neighbors. There were even a number of courageous folks for whom transgender was a totally new word.

Most of the events were a part of my quest to give a free presentation for every PFLAG chapter in the country. These were numbers 195, 196, and 197. (If you’re with a PFLAG chapter and want to be number 200, email me!!). Unlike some of my more typical PFLAG events, these were also deeper partnerships with many other local organizations.

On Friday night, the local Democratic Party and Indivisible Chapters billed my event as No Kings Eve. On Saturday, we gathered for the 22nd annual “unique and united” conference at a local university that celebrated the wide range of communities and stories represented in Iowa. On the way to one of our events on Sunday, we detoured to do some solidarity honking for a local visibility protest that gathers every single week. Afterwards, many of the ralliers joined us for the talk.

It wasn’t just the events… it was the people

I learned about how the community had been mobilizing against ICE in defense of their immigrant neighbors for well over a year. In Iowa City, we hung out with some local punks who taught us about how much of the organizing in the city happens through the punk scene. There were pride flags and queer folks in all the places we travelled. We talked about how frightened and angry they were about state legislation, and how much they loved their city anyways. How beautiful it is to be able to stay and fight.

Speaking of visibility, in our entire time driving hundreds of miles through the countryside, in total, I believe I saw one single Trump sign. I was surprised and asked my host about it, and he mentioned that a number of them have been coming down over the course of the year, which lines up perfectly with this article I read from Rural Missouri organizer, Jess Piper, a few weeks ago.

The View from Rural Missouri by Jess Piper

Signs of the Times

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2 months ago · 1810 likes · 216 comments · Jess Piper

Beyond the events themselves, the weekend was a study in rest.

I learned about transcendental meditation, which Fairfield, Iowa, it turns out, is a hotspot for.

I got to meet a brilliant human, poet, organizer, musician, and unbelievable chef named Toussaint St. Negritude, whose van broke down in Des Moines. He, alongside me, was going through a radical shift in understanding what Iowa was all about. When we weren’t at events, myself, my hosts, and our collection of new friends would spend time going for long walks to learn about bird watching or sitting out under the stars with hot tea. At one point, we canceled plans to go out to a bar and instead sat on Paul’s couch wrapped up in blankets and tenderly took turns reading our poetry to one another.

I lost my computer for a couple of days and took that as a cue from the universe that it was time to take a break. It was magnificent. I cross-stitched. I read my book. I walked the land. I had hours long conversations with so many people, exchanging ideas, debating theories, talking ourselves towards the future. What were we each fighting for? What were we afraid of? What were we hopeful about?

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All in, this trip was a beautiful reminder of humanity’s goodness in a sea of reminders that I’m so fortunate I get to experience through my work, and that I get to share with you all through my platform here. We are absolutely surrounded by good people. You are not in a bubble. You are surrounded by systems that want you to believe you are alone, by gerrymanderers who want you to believe that certain states are hopeless wastelands, by companies and oligarchs dead set on the divide and conquer strategy of wealth concentration. But the regular people with whom we share this planet, by and large, are good. We cannot be afraid to go out and look for them.

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This year there have been SO many amazing trans books that’ve come out, I am so excited to share how much literary trans brilliance there is in the world surrounding us. If there are recommendations that I miss, please let me know your favorites in the comments!

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Before we get into the list, We have another direct volunteer ask! This time, we’re looking for support from Camp Lavender, an incredible summer camp for trans kids in Northern California. They are looking for a few additional workshop presenters to come and hang out with some trans kids for an hour or two in late July. I joined virtually last year, and it was incredibly meaningful. This year, I’ll be attending in person!

They are first and foremost looking for someone with an expertise in trans history beyond Stonewall who would be willing to volunteer their time to come chat with the kids. If you have a different area of expertise you’d like to bring, they would also love to hear from you! f you have questions or want more information, feel free to send me a message and I’ll connect you with the great folks over there.

Do you have a direct volunteer ask? Let me know and I’d be THRILLED to share it!

Let’s get into the books!

There are so many genres and vibes for books, so I’ll do my best to sort them into the following categories:

Fiction: Literary, romance, WEIRD, Graphic novel, sci-fi, fantasy, and Young Adult

Non-Fiction: Memoir/biography, history, allyship

Let’s get to it, nerds!!

Literary & Book Club Fiction:

• Lilac People by Milo Todd: a beautiful story of community, love, pain, and survival set in WW2 Berlin.

• Woodworking by Emily St. James: a hilarious, gorgeous, MESSY story of a trans woman finding herself as a teacher in small town South Dakota

• Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg: Trans man in academia is slowly radicalized while writing a dissertation on a trans historical figure. A phenomenal, magical realism historical adventure with a whole second plot in the footnotes.

Romance:

• The Prospects by K.T. Hoffman: gay baseball romance with a trans narrator. I LOVE getting to see a trans man be treated as handsome and desirable instead of as a sexuality experiment.

• A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall: transfemme regency romance? A Duke falls in love with a beautiful woman and doesn’t realize she is his long lost best friend who transitioned years ago? STUNNING

• A Shot in the Dark by Victoria Lee: Mysterious artists, forbidden romances, and beautifully fleshed out characters. This was the first book I ever read with a trans man as a romantic lead and it blew my mind.

Weird:

• Crawl by Max Delsohn: Short story collection about being transmasculine in Seattle in the 2010s. This book is DELIGHTFULLY strange

• Future Feelings by Joss Lake: “An embittered dog walker obsessed with a social media influencer inadvertently puts a curse a young man—and must adventure into mysterious dimension in order to save him.” This book is CRAZY. I love it.

• Stag Dance by Torrey Peters: This short story collection includes some delightfully effed up explorations of transness, femininity, masculinity, and what happens when you let lumberjacks dress up as women.

• Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor: gender-bending shapeshifter Paul takes a journey through gender, sexuality, and activism across the queer landscape of the 90s.

• And the inventor of the weird trans books genre: Nevada by Imogen Binnie!!

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  Graphic Novel:

This is the genre I know least about and I got some recs from a few friends. Let me know what your favorites are!

• Boys Weekend by Mattie Lunchansky: Final girl horror about a trans femme at a bachelor party gone wrong? Sign me UP!

• Nimona by ND Stevenson: Described as A Subversive Graphic Novel Adventure About Villainy, Identity, and Unexpected Loyalty. COOL!!

• Across a Field of Starlight by Blue Delliquanti: Described as an “epic sci-fi romance between two non binary characters”

Sci-Fi/Fantasy:

• A Psalm for the Wild Built by Becky Chambers: A Nonbinary tea monk learns to take a break (I am obsessed with this book. As far as I know, Becky Chambers is the only non-trans author on this list, but this book is so beautifully written and so special to me I couldn’t NOT recommend it!)

• Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki: a demon attempts to get a young transfemme violinist to sign a deal with the devil for talent, and instead builds a chosen family. Also, donuts?

• The Broken Earth Trilogy by N.K. Jemisin: A masterclass in science fiction/fantasy worldbuilding. Classic epic sci-fi/fantasy with some incredible undertones of overthrowing the empire.

Young Adult:

• Pet and Bitter (both by Akwaeke Emezi): Phenomenal books about monstrosity, transness, trust. and the role of artists in the revolution

• The Sunbearer Trials by Aiden Thomas: Imagine the hunger games. Now make it trans. Now make it inspired by Mexican folklore. Now make it magic. Sold yet?

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Nonfiction!

Memoir/Biography:

• Pretty by ! And look at the new cover for the paperback!! And if you like this one... check them out at the Being Alive Book Club! Next week!!

• We Both Cried Out in Pleasure, Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan: Reading this made me feel so real, so much like I exist and have always existed. Diaries of a trans man living through the AIDS epidemic.

• Marsha! By Tourmaline! More biography than Memoir, but holy cow does this book deliver. Everyone has finally started to give Marsha her roses, but Tourmaline finally gives her a voice to tell her entire story. I love this book so much.

Allyship:

• My Child is Trans, Now What? By Ben Greene: Does this sound familiar? Good! (I’m biased because I wrote it)

• He/She/They by Schuyler Bailar: One of the most phenomenal overall guides to allyship that I’ve read. A great rec for your family members new to the allyship journey!

History:

• So Many Stars, an Oral History of Trans, Non-binary, Genderqueer and Two Spirit People of Color by Caro de Robertis: I’m in the middle of this right now. My God, this is a balm. Reading these stories, feeling this love, this book is a gift.

• Before Gender, Lost Stories from Trans History 1850-1950 by Eli Erlick: That’s right!!! We’ve been here since at LEAST the 1850s (and you know it’s been longer). This book is coming up FAST on my TBR.

• Miss Major Speaks by Toshio Meronek and Miss Major: Described as “A legendary transgender elder and activist reflects on a lifetime of struggle and the future of black, queer, and trans liberation”. This is sitting on my desk waiting for me. I know I will be changed by what I read.

I love when I get to do these kinds of roundups and I know that there are more trans books than I will ever be able to read. What a gift. What’s your favorite or most anticipate trans read this year?

Happy reading, nerds!!

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First off: Earlier this year, a coalition of 21 states + DC sued the federal government over RFK’s declaration including misinformation about gender affirming care and a thinly veiled threat for children’s hospitals to cease gender affirming care or lose medicaid funding.

Earlier today, a federal judge agreed that this was overstepping, poor procedure, and concerningly undemocratic. To quote the judge: “The notion that ‘I will go forward and issue a declaration and see if we can get away with it’ is not a principle of governance that adheres to the overarching commitment to a democratic republic that requires the rule of law to be regarded and respected and honored as a sacred.”

While the full impact of the ruling is yet to be seen, hopefully this will provide encouragement for Children’s Hospitals to continue providing SAFE, LEGAL, BEST PRACTICE MEDICAL CARE!!

This is RFK’s second loss this week after a judge in Boston blocked may of his changes to vaccine policies. While these rulings are likely to be appealed, they are a phenomenal way to mitigate harm, as well as waste time, resources, and morale in these agencies!! (More on the lawsuits: AP)

Now, a moment of joy to continue sitting with this celebratory feeling. Behold: One minute of trans people laughing. I didn’t know how badly I needed this until I sat down and watched the whole thing. Then I watched it again. I am smiling with my entire body.

How about some wins for democracy? Check out this update from Run For Something, a recap of all the amazing young progressives they’re training to run for office around the country (they just topped 200 CANDIDATES for this year and it’s still March!)

Run for Something feel-good updates

RFS feel-good update (3/16): 62 new leaders!

Hi all …

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2 months ago · 21 likes · Amanda Litman

How about some international wins? Today, a Polish court ruled that a gay couple married in Germany must have their marriage recognized in Poland! (More: LGBTQ+Nation)

How about some Rural wins? I keep mentally coming back to this amazing article by Jess Piper from earlier this week (I think everything she writes is amazing, actually). I love this piece on the quiet but visible ways red state and rural culture is shifting.

The View from Rural Missouri by Jess Piper

Signs of the Times

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2 months ago · 1679 likes · 210 comments · Jess Piper

How about some student wins? Jeffco, Colorado is just the latest in a growing line of school districts telling the Department of Education to GET LOST!! When the DOE demanded they enforce discriminatory policies against their trans students, they refused.

Erin In The Morning

JeffCo Public Schools In Colorado Defies Trump: "No Basis" To Ban Trans Students From Bathrooms, Sports

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2 months ago · 511 likes · 25 comments · Erin Reed

Everywhere you look, there is resistance, there is beauty. It’s amazing.

As you go into this weekend, please do not stop looking for victories, for joy, for opportunities to come together and hold one another and to keep fighting.

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That’s all for now! With all my love,

Ben

The past two weeks have felt like their own full year to me. Anyone else? Full humanity on display here, it’s been an incredibly difficult stretch. This week in particular was one of the hardest I’ve had in a while.

Real quick before we get into the meat of the article: I’m going to be hosting a FREE event together with PFLAG National that was designed for PFLAG members (but is open to anyone!) on how to lead with joy to drive meaningful change. It will be an open, engaging session on how we can build movements that last and take care of ourselves and each other while we do it. The session will be on March 24th at 5:30PM PST!

Register now!

(If you want to support me as a human but don’t want to read a whole article, I’d love it if you would leave a comment/restack/reply with your favorite picture of your pet or a beautiful nature photo you’ve taken. These always make me smile.)

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For a minute there, I chalked my struggles up to something chemical. I told some of the folks in my support system that I was in “pre-depression”: some of the symptoms were starting to show up in a very real way, but it wasn’t too late to intervene. I knew I was at a turning point for either getting better or getting worse, and I knew that I couldn’t sustain how I was feeling, but I still assumed it was simply that sometimes brains get depressed (which they do!).

Yesterday, I talked to a whole collection of trans folks I love deeply and all of them voiced similar feelings: the past two weeks have felt particularly heavy, frightening, disheartening, etc. Even if they didn’t name the news, even if they tried to have good boundaries, transphobia was still a heavy shadow looming over all of us.

When my wife and I went for our evening walk, I had a moment of clarity I’d been sorely lacking. I had perhaps been assuming that being empowered to take action, setting boundaries with my news intake, taking time to focus on good news, etc. were CURES to fear and hopelessness. Foolishly, I thought that I had been sorted into the category of “people who are not emotionally impacted by the news”. Sometimes, I think my work here contributes to that. I’ve built a brand (that I’m incredibly proud of, and that I still stand by fully, don’t worry) based on being someone who fights for joy and for hope. For many people, I am the canary in the coal mine.

Generally, it’s really meaningful to me to be that source of light. I love it. But it also creates some difficulty with asking for help. Some people hear that I have a bad day and dismiss it outright: “you’re the good news guy! Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll feel better soon!” Others immediately take my struggle as a sign of the end times: “if Ben is struggling, things must be really bad. There’s no hope for the rest of us.”

Some of these are things folks have actually said to me. Others, I think, are expectations that I put on myself.

SO I have decided to spend today’s newsletter talking about bad days. I want to open up conversations around mental health, wash away guilt any of us might feel on the days we struggle, and tie things back to hope and joy as I always do.

First, to get some strong words on the page that I need to hear, and maybe you do, too:

Being hopeful and joyful does NOT mean never having a bad day, a bad week, or a bad month.

Choosing to be joyful does NOT mean pretending not to struggle.

NO ONE benefits from you pretending to be joyful all the time.

Struggling with mental health is NOT a sign that it is time to give up.

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What does it tell us when we struggle?

I’ve been holding a quote from the incredible advocate Valerie Kaur very close in my heart lately:

All of a sudden, the perspective shifts. The heaviness I am carrying in my heart is not a chemical failing; it is the beautiful, horrible, divine, connective magic of what it means to be a human who can still care. In the face of a regime trying to keep us so overwhelmed that we run out of energy to care about one another—and trying to build policy that insists we throw countless others onto the sacrificial altar of “growth”—holding deep love for the world around me is an incredible act of resistance.

This pain won’t, and can’t, come up with every issue. I think if I tried to hold the grief of every person in the world, I would collapse (as many of us have likely experienced), but total indifference won’t help either. What matters is finding a middle ground where we can genuinely, deeply, profoundly feel the hurt that is around us, then we can heal from it and get back to work building something better.

This is what it means to me to be oriented towards joy. I am not pretending that I don’t struggle, I am staring into my pain to ask “what does this teach me about being human? Where do we go from here?”

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The difference between pain and hopelessness

Lately, Kansas has been incredibly heavy on my heart. The fear that many trans people I love are experiencing is ratcheted up to terrible, unsustainable levels. To be clear, do I think things in Kansas are hopeless? Do I think things are on an irreversible slide towards disaster? No! I know we will keep fighting, we will find ways to survive. But I ALSO know this will be incredibly frightening, isolating, and painful while we fight that battle. Both things can be true at once: I can grieve with Kansas, I can know we will keep fighting back.

I’ve been feeling lots of big emotions as I stare down this latest fight: anger, exhaustion, fear, frustration, judgment, but never hopelessness. The reality is that I have no idea what is going to happen. It would be pure hubris to pretend otherwise. But I think Rebecca Solnit puts it better than I ever could:

Hope and action feed on each other. I am hopeful because I take action. I take action because I am hopeful. I do not know how things will work out, but the only way to guarantee an ending is to give up and walk away. That said, the deeper we get into despair or depression (which are different from each other!) the harder it can be to motivate ourselves to take action. Not just action for change, either. Actions like going for a walk, taking a shower, calling a friend. So how do we pull ourselves out?

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Using Joy to Heal

There’s a song I love for when I’m going through a difficult time. If you’re struggling right now, I’d recommend giving it a listen. (IT IS NOT CHILD APPROPRIATE, DESPITE THE CUTESY TITLE)

My favorite line from the song:

But here’s the thing: No one ever got happier sitting around waiting to get happier…

Every day we wake up and we get out of bed

And we get dressed

And we clean up last night’s mess

And we keep doing these things, not because they’re guaranteed to make us feel good

But because failing to do them?

Guaranteed to make us feel bad!

Being oriented towards joy also means treating myself with the same profound love I am trying to bring towards every other human being. I’ve been giving myself a lot of tenderness and asking “what do I need?” a lot. Honestly, most times I’ve asked lately I haven’t known the answer. So I’ve been trying stuff, because the depression tells me that I don’t want to do anything, that I just need to lie down and rest, and I know for me that seductive voice is trying to make things so much worse.

Here are some things I’ve been trying to do a little extra lately:

• Texting a friend to ask them to send me funny pictures they’ve taken lately

• Calling a friend to ask them to force me to go to the gym while we’re on the phone

• Committing to eating three meals a day, no matter what they are I cannot avoid eating

• Closing my eyes to listen to music that moves me, or albums I associate with better days

• Asking an artistic friend to help me do more low-stakes visual art

• NOT CANCELLING PLANS!!! Unless I can justify what need will be met by cancelling, which I never can.

• Trying to find a new therapist in California

• Telling my friends that I am struggling so they are aware

• Setting up plans to co-work, body double for cleaning, or otherwise just be around other people

• Trying out some new tarot threads to help me figure out what was hurting so badly

• Constantly blasting the album “Secret to Life” by FIZZ and dancing, singing, spinning along to it

I can’t say any of these individually have “fixed” where I am. I’m in the steep uphill part of “getting better”, to be honest. But I’m walking towards it. I am making sure people that I love know that I am walking, so I don’t have to do it alone.

If you love a trans person, make sure they know it a little extra this week.

A few other resources for folks who are struggling, or folks who want to know how to better help their loved ones:

For all the folks reading this who are struggling in their own way, know that I am right here with you. I see you, I love you, and it won’t feel like this forever. We will keep walking together. Ever forward.

All my love,

Ben

I’ve been spending the week steeping myself in scholarship about hope in preparation for [REDACTED]. (Keep your eyes on your inbox for some GREAT news coming in the next few weeks 😉). So much of what I’m reading is landing with me so beautifully.

To quote the incredible book “How to Be Hopeful, Empowering Practices to Overcome Despair and Act for Climate Justice”:

Or to quote the brilliant Rebecca Solnit:

I am joyful and hopeful not because I know that everything will work out in the end. I am hopeful because the only way to truly guarantee a certain end result is not to try at all. Carrying on is my only option. I am proud to carry that torch.

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Good Queer Actions!

Folks loved last week when I helped connect people with specific skills to specific needs, so I’m doing it again! I am searching for people with basic Video editing skills & software! The Mama Dragons, an amazing organization supporting parents of LGBTQ+ youth, is working to develop a large-scale educational library on supporting queer and trans youth. They have a huge collection of recorded live zoom events, but those recordings currently contain names and faces of members and to protect their privacy, they are looking for help removing or blurring those individuals from the recordings.

If you are interested in helping out, send me a message and I’ll get you connected! If you are part of an organization or project in need of volunteers with specific skills, please let me know so I can uplift your ask in my next newsletter!

So much good queer news!

Let’s start with the scouts! Last week, Pete Hegseth (I like to boo his name like Haman. Happy belated Purim!!) put out a video announcing that the Department of War had forced Scouting America—formerly Boy Scouts, who changed their name to be more inclusive last year—to no longer accept trans scouts.

In response to the announcement, Scouting America put out their own official press release a day later making it loud and clear: “Scouting America will continue to welcome and serve all youth. That commitment is unwavering.” More directly, the CEO told AP: “We have transgender people in our program. We will continue to have transgender people in our program.” (More: The Advocate)

The girl scouts, meanwhile, continue to go hard for their trans members (as they have for many, many years at this point). In addition to journalist Erin Reed helping trans girl scouts sell more than three hundred thousand boxes of cookies!!!!!! This article from MSN highlights just how powerful and strategic their support has been. My favorite quote: ​​

P.S. This fantastic article was sent to me by a GQN subscriber! I do my best to keep on top of all the good queer news, but I’m just one person and there’s a LOT to celebrate. If there’s something hopeful, or hilarious, or powerful, or worth sharing in your state, community, even in your personal life, I’d love to share it here!

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State-Level Updates!

In North Carolina’s primaries last week, anti trans democrats saw a series of HUGE losses. As we see some politicians (looking at you, Newsome!) attempting to sacrifice trans people in a distorted attempt to appeal to conservatives, it’s encouraging to have proof piling up that this strategy does not win. Remember, any changes that we want to see at the presidential level must start at a local level, so this is promising to me!

In an Arkansas special election, democrats flipped a republican seat for the ninth time since Trump’s inauguration. If you’re a data nerd like me, you’re going to love the downballot’s phenomenal tracker of every special election post inauguration.

Indiana’s legislative session has ended and advocates appear to have defeated all but one of the proposed anti-LGBTQ+ bills! Hoosiers have protected access to bathrooms, affirming IDs, and more. Hell yeah!!

Utah’s legislative session has also ended, and it appears only one anti-trans bill passed as well!

Resistance News!

The Nonbinary park ranger fired for hanging a giant trans flag from Yosemite’s El Capitan Mountain last year is now suing the federal government for violating their first amendment right! Hopefully this lawsuit will allow them to find some justice, and to further protect our right to speak out against a hateful government. (More: LGBTQNation)

Brilliant trans psychologist Dr. Sebastian Barr is newly back from paternity leave and is already up to some amazing stuff! If you are a therapist in Kansas with trans clients, he is providing amazing free resources to help you better understand and support those clients. If you aren’t in Kansas, these resources are an amazing paid offering!!

Last week, Lyft offered a 50% off discount for any trans people needing a ride as their driver’s licenses are not currently safe to use. If you are working at a big company, take note that these kinds of actions are amazing to push for!

If you have someone in your life who deserves to hear that it isn’t time to give up yet, don’t forget to send this their way!

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That’s all for now!

That’s all the news that’s fit to print this week. Please don’t stop looking for hope, fighting for joy, and showing up for each other.

Even if we are all we have, what we have is so much. I am so grateful to each of you for being here.

All my love,

Ben

Before some updates on where I’ve been and what kind of work I’ve been up to, as well as some thoughts on what’s going on in Kansas, I want to share some quick hits of good news stories and actions you can take today!

Though I’ve been offline for a minute, there have been quite a few things keeping me incredibly hopeful. In the spirit of using our energy with intention, in this moment I want to uplift some wonderful, exciting roundups that others have already written about what’s going on lately. A friend and personal favorite, KB Brookins, wrote yet another fantastic roundup of trans news that doesn’t suck from around the country.

Trans News That Doesn't Suck

Long Live Drag Kings

Friends, foes, and other h*es…

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3 months ago · 18 likes · 1 comment · KB Brookins

Jess Craven posted her weekly extra extra recap of all the wins across many, many issues. I am always struck by the sheer enormity of the victories that we are fighting for and that we are winning.

Chop Wood, Carry Water

Extra! Extra! 2/23

Hi, all, and happy Sunday…

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3 months ago · 701 likes · 79 comments · Jess Craven

I am also so excited that the ACLU has sprung into action and launched a speedy lawsuit against the horrible new anti-trans law in Kansas impacting driver’s licenses and identity documents. Hopefully they will be able to find some speedy relief from this harm.

While we wait for the litigation arm of our strategy to work, though, there are trans Kansans who are struggling NOW! If you have change to spare, consider making a donation to:

• Transformations, an organization started in Kansas City by Black trans women looking to keep their community safe.

• The LGBTQ Foundation of Kansas

• The ACLU of Kansas

As always, if you make a donation to any of these organizations and tell me about it (honor system), I will upgrade you to a paid subscription to GQN!

Also, I know folks love tangible ideas of how to get involved besides donating, and I’ve got a crystal clear ask today. My PFLAG chapter in St. Louis needs someone to help design some new buttons. We hand out our buttons at tabling events all over the region. I have spent countless hours standing behind our volunteer table watching gaggles of queer and trans kids absolutely gleeful over the number of options of ways to show their pride in their own identity, their siblings, their parents, their journeys, their pronouns.

We are in need of someone with a little free time and a creative spark to help us out. You do not need to be a professional artist—we basically just need someone who’s willing to spend a couple of hours on occasion helping set up some new designs in our Canva template that our volunteers will then print out and turn into works of art that travel all over Missouri. If you’re interested, feel free to send me a message, and I’ll get you connected with our president.

There will be longer good news roundups to come, but for now I want to share some updates on what I’ve been up to!

What happened?

At the end of last year, after nearly five full months of constant travel for my advocacy and speaking work, I thought about taking a break. Instead, I ended up signing up to do a whole lot more. Foolishly, I assumed that because my travel time had been largely enjoyable, I wouldn’t really need a break. That was, of course, Hubris!

While I made it through most of January, staying on top of all my new projects and goals (including finishing edits to the paperback version of My Child is Trans, Now What?) I started to run into a wall. Increasingly, I was feeling disconnected from the work that I genuinely love to do. I wasn’t really excited for any part of my day. Add that to how challenging it’s been to make friends since moving, and you end up with a bit of a cloud around you most days.

Fortunately, I knew there was some rest on the horizon. My wife and I had planned a trip months ago to spend ten days adventuring around Australia and New Zealand while she had some time off from work. It was awesome!! We got to visit a major queer history museum, spend time out in nature, and visit some very cool botanical gardens. We even found my book in a library on a small island off the coast of New Zealand!! So cool!!

While the trip obviously didn’t fix my burnout right away, it gave me a chance to hit the brakes and start to think about what changes I might be able to make so that the work that brings me the most joy: speaking, writing, good queer news, advocacy, and connecting with families; can be work that keeps bringing me joy. Sustainability is the name of the game.

When we got home from our trip, I immediately left again for a trip to visit many of my favorite people and places across Missouri. I got to hang out with some cool queer teens at one of my favorite library branches. The next day, I got to speak at a PFLAG meeting in Jefferson County, an area that many people assumed would never be able to have a PFLAG chapter, but now is thriving and working hard to bring even more safety and equality to the area.

I got to go to a soccer game and see the countless displays of resistance to the stadium’s attempted ban on trans pride flags.

Then I drove down to Springfield in Southwest Missouri to speak about joy at PFLAG Springfield’s Leading with Love Brunch. Though you might not guess it, the Springfield chapter is an absolute powerhouse. In my opinion, they might just be one of the most impactful, empowered chapters in the whole PFLAG network. They have paid staff and amazing grants to build housing equity in their community. When it was their turn to host a traveling photo gallery highlighting trans folks and their supportive families, they decided that rather than just leave the gallery in a gallery, they’d pair up with local businesses all over town to help the exhibit reach as many people as possible.

We spent the day talking about joy and burnout and fear and what it means to love your community and to choose to stay and fight for something better.

From there, it was back to Saint Louis for a day and then off to Kansas City to speak with a variety of queer, trans, and allied students and staff about what it means to dream of a better future and how we put those dreams into action.

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Kansas

Between my departure from Kansas City and today, there has been a mix of good news, bad news, and resistance. The legislature passed a terrible bill, bad news. The governor vetoed, good news. The legislature overrode the veto, and the law went into effect. Very bad news. The ACLU is already suing them over the law. Good news.

Each time the scales flipped, I looked forlornly at the partially written article I was attempting to work on amidst all of those travels with the latest updates. I had to decide whether the things I was pulling out as good news that had been overwritten were still worth sharing. Ultimately, though, the name of the game of what I’m doing here at Good Queer News is nuance.

Good news does not only mean resounding victories with no opposition or pushback. Good Queer News does not exist to say that it’s time to stop fighting. Good queer news exists to say, look at how many of us there are fighting back. Look at what we can accomplish. Look at how we survive.

Having a state governor willing to veto hostile legislation year after year despite knowing that it may be overridden does not mean nothing. Laura Kelly is showing the courage it takes to be a governor that does not throw trans kids under the bus to win political points. (I’m looking at you, Newsome).

Red States are not just places to look at with pity, are not failures of the American experiment, or places that everyone should leave. The activists I know living in Red states are some of the most brilliant, passionate, strategic, resilient people in the world. More than that, they are states filled with human beings who deserve to be able to stay in their home and fight to improve it if they so choose. Red states are also a proving ground for anti-LGBTQ legislation and the things that we can beat back in the South and Midwest, we can stop from spreading around the world.

AND, many of the people I love in red states right now are terrified, are exhausted, and feel so completely alone. I want you to know that I see you, that I am with you, and that I will continue to do everything I can to fight to make the world safer for you.

I know it is tempting to look away and say, “this can’t reach me”, or to look too closely and say, “the battle is not worth fighting. It is done. We have lost.” The reality is we do not know the future, and the only way to guarantee the future is to not act at all.

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Then let us act!

In that spirit, I want to start trying something new. I have a lot of people following me here who are either amazing grassroots advocates who are doing their scrappy best to fight for change in their communities OR people wondering what else they can do, how else they can show up. If you are in the first category and you have an organization in need of a specific skill, a specific volunteer, especially something that can be done virtually, Share that need in the comments. If you are someone who has a skill that you’re not sure how to use, put that in the comments too.

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If I’m going to gather almost 17,000 people here, the least I can do is help them connect with each other, help mobilize this community to make the biggest difference we can.

I’m back in action now with better boundaries and more ideas on how to build rest into my day. Rest assured, though I might need a break from time to time, as we all do, I am not going anywhere. We will never run out of good queer news to celebrate, nor will we run out of work we can do to fight for change. Day in, day out, I am proud to do that work with all of you.

All my love, Ben.

And whenever I start putting together the action segment of whatever I'm working on, I have a nagging voice in my head that says, "Ben, 95% of people reading are not actually going to do that." When I dig deeper and ask myself why that is, I never jump to conclusions of malice or lack of caring. The answer, or at least my best guess, is that people are tired, are burned out, are feeling powerless, and have run out of the resources they need to be able to act.

Many of us (and at plenty of moments in my life, myself included) have probably spent a lot more time feeling guilty for not acting than we have actually acting. What this means is that guilt doesn't work. If it was going to successfully motivate you, it would have done so already.

To help with this, I decided to write a piece on how we begin to re-resource ourselves so we can reclaim our ability to act—not just to act by showing up at a protest, but to volunteer for a worthy cause, to have a difficult conversation, to go out and make a new friend, to get through another day. The burnout so many of us are feeling, I think, in many ways comes down to feeling completely un-resourced and trying to act and live like we're not.

This week, I’m on vacation with my wife as I was desperately in need of some re-resourcing myself. Burnout has been on my mind more and more lately—both in checking for the “yellow lights” in myself, and in hearing from more and more people I love that things feel like too much.

In large part that’s what inspired me to write last week’s article on the desire to “make a difference you can see”, but even as I was writing it I knew that the solutions there would only go so deep—and that the problem I was writing up against goes much deeper. So today, we’re going to talk about it!

Defining Resources

I'm using a really broad stroke here to define resources, not just as stuff but as many pieces that contribute to the whole picture of motivation. Just like the crew of a spaceship checks a million things before liftoff, we check our variety of resources before deciding if we’re able to take an action. As you read through this list, or perhaps at a later date, try to take some time to meaningfully reflect about your access or relationship to each of these resources. Where are your strengths? Where are your challenges?

1. Time: How much time do you have that you can decide what to do with?

2. Money: Can you afford to donate? Can you afford to take a day off to go and testify at the capital? Can you afford potential financial repercussions of highly public support or advocacy?

3. Safety: Do you have a safe place to return to after a challenging day? Do you feel safe enough to find ways to get involved?

4. Attention: Underrated but highly important, can you pay attention to a nonfiction book about queer history? Can you focus on a project or goal and complete that task? Can you delay gratification to take a boring but important action for justice?

5. Empowerment: Do you feel like you actually have the ability to make a difference? Do you believe your vote, your voice, your presence has the capability for change? Do you have any examples of times you contributed to something changing?

6. Energy: Do you have energy to do the things you want to do? How is your quality of sleep, or your ability to nourish yourself through food?

7. Interests: What do you like to do? What are you good at? What do you know about ways to use those interests to make a difference?

8. Healing: Working for change, or even just living in the world as a marginalized person, is traumatic. Do you have any practices for healing from losses, grief, or oppression? Or do you allow the wounds to pile up in the name of "resilience?"

9. Knowledge: Do you feel like you know enough to have a conversation with an uninformed family member? How about to testify, or just to decide where to act? What do you know about strategies for changemaking?

10. Community: Do you feel isolated? Do you have people you feel safe around socially? Do you have people you trust to advocate with? Are there people you can ask for help? Are there people who ask you for help?

11. Pleasure & Joy: What is the value of pleasure and joy in your life? How often, and in what ways do you choose to find joy? Do you believe joy and advocacy can happen at the same time?

Did I miss any? Do any of these resonate with you in particular? I’m eager to know what other ways I can support others in resourcing themselves!

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Getting Real with Ourselves

Obviously, these resources don't exist in a vacuum, or independently of each other. I need money to nourish myself with quality food. I need safety to build community. I need time and attention to expand my knowledge. Even so, starting to recognize which of our resources might be (either actually or perceived) running on empty is a helpful exercise in figuring out what might be holding us back.

The big questions for me as I reflect on all these things are often: What greater powers (social media companies, GOP strategy, etc.) are invested in stealing this resource from me, and in what ways am I standing in my own way of filling this cup? There is simultaneously so much more that is not our fault and yet so much more that is within our ability to change than we think.

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How to Start

I know this feels like a lot. It IS a lot! I'm sitting here across the waves of the internet asking you to look quite deeply into yourself at your flaws, your weaknesses, your fears. That's frightening. It's okay! Here are a few reminders and affirmations as you prepare to embark on your journey of re-resourcing yourself.

• Take a deep breath and give yourself so much more softness and grace as you work through this process. It will be challenging, and it will be okay. Don't be ashamed to hold your own hand. I am known, in my most private or fearful moments, to wrap my arms around myself and say “it’s going to be okay”. My softness is my strength.

• If you feel yourself being pulled towards comfort, towards stagnation or saying "I have to wait for x to start being ready to make these changes", I want to gently nudge you here with a paraphrased quote from Brandi Sellerz-Jackson: We must stop acting like house-sitters in our own lives, waiting for the rightful owner to come back in the right circumstances and clean up and start living. Our lives have started, we are living them, we are not waiting for a start line, and it is never too late (but always at least a little urgent) to decide to claim our own lives.

• Recognize that our current landscape of social media and news is highly activating, and uses deeply moralizing language to constantly inspire "action" (read: social media engagement) through guilt. How is nobody talking about this? Don't look away! What will you tell your grandchildren? Remember again: If guilt and shame were going to work as motivation, wouldn't they have worked already? It's time to try something different.

• Some resources aren't able to be changed, and that's okay. What's important is not making sure every cup is overflowing. It's making sure you are able to align your actions with your resources so you don't hurt yourself by pouring from an empty cup. This is a particularly critical reminder for those folks who are disabled and chronically ill, folks who are poor or working class, those living in areas or situations that are not as safe. You are not a worse or useless advocate because your cup cannot be as full as someone else's. We are all just doing the best we can.

• Don't try to refill every resource right now, instead pick one—perhaps it's whichever one has the greatest impact on your life, or whichever feels most doable to approach—and start trying to wonder what it might look like to resource yourself there. What kind of support do you need?

Starting Tips

If you'd like, I can make this into a much more robust series where I go in depth about how to rebuild each of the above resources. If you'd be interested in that, and if you have a specific resource you'd like me to start with, let me know!

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For now, since I know that both time and attention are highly limited resources (not by accident) I'll close out by providing one or two reminders or reading suggestions for each resource to start you on your journey.

1. Time: Consider performing a time audit of where your time is going, which of those things are optional, and which of those things are nourishing vs draining. Remember: Time is concrete, and you cannot "find" time anywhere. It does not hide. You can only choose to make time by picking a priority.

2. Money: Obviously this is the hardest one for me to fix. Times are tough, but I'd highly recommend , the writer of for some great suggestions to help find relative financial stability.

3. Safety: Take time to reflect on your safety concerns and where they stem from. Some are highly legitimate, while others may be deeply heightened based on social media and news fearmongering. How often do your news sources spark fear? Consider checking out this article on identifying fearmongering.

4. Attention: The intentional theft and destruction of our ability to pay attention as a society is not an accident, and understanding this has been the single biggest thing that changed my ability to engage meaningfully not just with advocacy but with my job, my relationships, and my life. Read Stolen Focus by Johann Hari to learn more about the problem or an article like this one if you are ready to start finding a way out.

5. Empowerment: Consider checking out a book like “Marsha” or something similar to learn more about social movements through history. Ground yourself in your ability to make change. Ask yourself: From whom do I learn that I am powerless? In whose best interest is it that I feel this way? How often are these the same person or entity?

6. Energy: There are so many pieces of conventional wisdom about restoring our energy. Try picking one new habit to work on in the areas of regular movement, sleep hygiene, and nourishing food. I know there are many things draining our energy, and I can't promise that movement or good sleep or quality food will fix it, but I can promise that no movement, bad sleep, and poor nourishment will make it worse!

7. Interests: Reflect on your passions, your talents, and your hobbies. Do a little research into how these might help: Google things like the name of your hobby/interest/skill + "for change"

8. Healing: This is a big, hard, scary one. I would highly, highly recommend the book "On Thriving" by Brandi Sellerz-Jackson, which has made a major, major difference in my life and mental health. Also, consider looking up whether your insurance covers therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy, especially right now!

9. Knowledge: What specific knowledge-gaps stop you from getting involved? Lack of knowledge of the issues, or of how we got there, or of what we're supposed to do about it? Go to a local bookstore or library and share with them that you're ready to learn more about that topic. You will only learn more if you seek out the knowledge!

10. Community: Luckily for you, when I moved states last year I wrote a whole article about how and why to build community from scratch. Here it is!

11. Pleasure & Joy: Y'all already know this is my favorite one. This is my thing. To start working on your relationship to joy, especially in relationship to changemaking, I would highly recommend reading this article I wrote last summer titled "Joy as Resistance Isn't Going to Cut It". Perfect for skeptics and newcomers alike!

~Fin & Thanks~

Okay, I know that's been quite a bit of reading, and tremendous thanks to those who made it all the way here! Props to you—choosing yourself, and choosing to grow in ways that might be new, challenging, or frightening isn't easy. But it will make a difference. The more well resourced we are, the more we can show up in ways we're proud of, give love and resources to others, and make the changes we want to see in the world.

Refilling our cups is a lifelong project, but we have to start somewhere!

All my love as always,

Ben

Hi Bec!! Thanks so much for being here. Why don’t you introduce yourself to all the lovely people here at Good Queer News?

Hi! I’m Bec Miriam (they/them). I’m a Disabled, Chronically ill & Neurodivergent filmmaker, artist, & founder of RestFest Film Festival!

Tell me more about Restfest! What do you all have going on this month?

RestFest Film Festival is a virtual film/video art festival created by/for the Disabled, Deaf, Chronically ill, Neurodivergent, and/or Mad community - worldwide.

Our annual festival is taking place now: Feb 1-28. We’ve got 27 films available for streaming and 18 virtual events to take part in. All are created by Disabled, Deaf, Chronically ill, Neurodivergent, and/or Mad artists.

Everything is entirely accessible from bed.

Give me a little more of the origin story here. How did this start? How has the journey surprised you most?

As a Disabled filmmaker myself, this is something I was seeking for a number of reasons.

I found myself unable to attend festivals that my own films were screening in because I was too sick to travel. And I knew I wasn’t alone in this. Attending film events is a valuable way to find community with fellow filmmakers and film lovers, and we miss out on that.

Disabled community is also something uniquely special, so having this opportunity to connect with other Disabled artists and engage with each other’s work is incredibly fulfilling & meaningful.

I wanted a film space that was entirely by & for us. It was important to me that RestFest encouraged free creative expression by all Disabled artists. Here, we’re not put in a box, not required to make films about Disability. This festival is not in service of educating the non-Disabled. It’s for us.

I’d say what has surprised me most is just how vast this community is. There are Disabled artists seeking community everywhere. Through RestFest, I’ve had the chance to connect with folks from all over the world. And from our comfiest & coziest spaces!

Speaking of how much love there is in building queer and disabled art spaces, check out this clip from the film Transcend:

You’ve mentioned to me that there are some really beautiful queer and trans artists as part of RestFest. Give me a pitch for some of your favorite pieces!

Yes yes yes! The majority of participating artists, plus myself and my co-curator (Miz Hashimoto) are queer, trans, &/or non-binary.

If you’re looking for films that specifically talk about being queer and trans, you’ll absolutely find them here.

Transcend, a documentary short film from the U.K follows the journey of three trans artists & their processes of creation, of both their art and their gender identities. The film discusses the challenges of being trans in the U.K., but it centers the value of trans community & artmaking. It’s a film overflowing with trans joy. While watching it, I found myself crying tears of joy. It was directed by trans filmmaker Althea J Eccles.

Man in the Moon, a gorgeous video artwork is a collaboration between two trans men while at different points of their transitions. Visual Artist Rora Blue & Poet Max Stone engage with one another’s work as a way for each to reflect back and look forward on a journey of self discovery.

Transcend can be streamed in the shorts block “Reverberation / Held”.

Man in the Moon can be streamed in the shorts block “Mid-Air / Suspended”.

I absolutely love the mission of RestFest and that sounds like such a beautiful space for making and sharing art. What is your favorite thing about the art people are making for RestFest?

There’s rawness and authenticity present in all of these works that I find both touching & creatively very exciting. There is a very wide variety of genres, forms, & topics explored in the program. No two films are the same, but all break away from convention in their own way. That feels very Disabled & very Queer to me.

Hell yeah it does!! One of the things I write about constantly is the need for joy within the fight for trans rights. What role do you think joy has to play in creating disability justice?

It’s essential! Disabled joy is at the heart of what RestFest is, and it’s through joy that we can stay motivated to create change. It gives us energy, and it gives us hope.

Experiencing joy and experiencing it with each other is what tells us we can fight this fight and win.

How can people engage with RestFest this year? How else can we support the wonderful work you’re doing?

Stream the films & come to events!

All 27 films are available to stream in our Virtual Theater: watch.eventive.org/restfestfilmfestival

There are 18 live virtual events, including workshops, panels, gatherings, & more. Visit the virtual events box office to get tickets: www.tixtree.com/o/restfest-film-festival

Another way to support is by spreading the word! We’d love for as many folks as possible to get to enjoy these gorgeous films & to join in on all the festivities.

For a general overview of the festival, visit the homepage: www.restfestfilmfestival.org/2026-film-festival

And join us on Instagram & Substack: @restfestfilmfestival // restfest.substack.com

I like to ask this of everybody who I feature here: what’s bringing you joy right now?

I am overflowing with joy to be organizing and taking part in this space that centers Crip arts & Crip community. It’s a massive honor for me.

Ben, thank you so much for your support of the festival & for all the amazing work that you do for us Queer folks. <3

Festival Links:

• Homepage: www.restfestfilmfestival.org/2026-film-festival

• Virtual Events Box Office: www.tixtree.com/o/restfest-film-festival

• Virtual Theater: watch.eventive.org/restfestfilmfestival

• Festival Film Passes: restfestfilmfestival.eventive.org/passes/buy

• About the Films: www.restfestfilmfestival.org/2026-film/video-programs

• Merch: https://everpress.com/profile/restfest-film-festival

• Letterboxd: https://boxd.it/QBa3M

• Discord: https://discord.gg/B8kkd7N6

Instagram /// Substack

Wow!!!! What an interview! What a human! I’m so glad I got to share some more of Bec’s work with you all and I hope you take some time to enjoy the amazing films they’re celebrating this month.

That’s all I’ve got for now. With all my love as always,

Ben <3

Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking more about the kind of man I want to become, and the spaciousness testosterone has given me to build him. Over the years I’ve said that while I expected testosterone to make me aggressive, what it actually did was turn up the volume on what’s already here. I’m now aggressively nice.

I needed everyone to be able to see this graphic I spent [REDACTED] long making, but the rest of this article is going to start out as a piece for paid subscribers since it isn’t quite as urgent as the other kinds of posts I write.

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