A Love Letter to PFLAG

This weekend marked my 100th PFLAG presentation, and I'm taking a moment to reflect on the profound amount of hope and joy that's added to my life.

This weekend marked a special milestone for me and I'd like to share some reflections on that with you all. In February 2022, as a budding public speaker looking to find more ways to give back to my community, I decided to reach out to PFLAG chapters around the country to offer to do a free speaking event. I sent an email out to every single chapter (over 400!) expecting to hear back from maybe 10 or 15 chapters.

2 and a half years later, I am delighted to report that this past Saturday in Springfield MA marked my 100th PFLAG Presentation!

A recent presentation at PFLAG Springfield, Missouri

This undertaking has been one of the most meaningful things I've done in my life so far, and the amount of hope it's left me with has truly been a gift that keeps on giving. It's easy to look out at an Electoral spread and view certain places as a "lost cause". To write off entire faith traditions, rural areas, small towns, grandparents. To give up on people who didn't have a loving first reaction to a coming-out conversation. As a human who's always on a journey to be a little better today than I was yesterday, I include myself in the list of people who used to label swaths of land and people "not worth the effort."

But week after week, zoom call after zoom call, PFLAG proved me wrong. I have spent countless hours, virtually and in-person around the country speaking with families, hearing their stories and sharing my own, and learning about the many ways they were learning to show up for their LGBTQ+ loved ones with force.

One of the best things these meetings gave me was the ability to join these many chapters in celebrating the victories they had fought for. Before each of my presentations, chapter presidents would excitedly read off announcements for their members. Celebrating school board elections, pride festivals, partnerships with local businesses, new allies, meaningful conversations. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I heard countless stories pointing towards a very genuine shift in the sentiments and the culture of everyday people around the country.

Celebrating National Coming Out Day with PFLAG Fort Collins

I watched as the average meeting size got larger and larger—including in red states and rural areas. I watched as more grandparents showed up, more community members interested in learning, parents who regretted harm that they'd caused, teachers wanting to better show up for their students. I watched as the stories of victories and shifts in community safety became more frequent.

More and more often I've also seen brand new families show up to my presentations to learn how to support their loved ones—sometimes within a week or two of their family member coming out to them. This immediate bend towards learning and support is so incredible to see, and to see it becoming increasingly common indicates a major shift to me in the ways everyday people understand and support LGBTQ+ people.

I listened to chapter leaders share stories of supporting their loved ones and heard them emphasize building joy time and time again. The conversations I had with PFLAG families also served a very large role in inspiring the tone and content of my book on supporting trans youth.

One of the other things I found with these chapters was a vision of what community could mean. I answer questions during all my speaking events, usually about language or politics or my personal story, but at my PFLAG meetings there was always another kind of question at the forefront: are you doing okay? Are you making enough to sustain yourself? Are you protecting your mental health? How can we support you?

The love and enthusiasm that I have received from these PFLAG families has acted as the warmest blanket and the sturdiest fortification that I could ask for. The love I see them pour into supporting individuals and organizations in their communities has showed me what it means to build something.

I've learned many lessons from these amazing families, queer folks, and allies, and here are a few that I hold the closest to my heart:

1. Understanding can come on day 5, day 10, day 100 as long as love comes on day 1.

2. Everyone has the ability to move towards love, no matter how far away they started. This takes courage, and it's important to honor that.

3. Our LGBTQ+ loved ones know themselves best, and we have to let them lead the way on their journeys.

4. Mistakes aren't moral failings (usually), they are opportunities to do better for our loved ones.

5. No one is coming to save us. You want to see a change in your community? Great! Do it.

6. We have the ability to build a world worth living in. It won't be easy, and we won't be able to do it alone, but we will be able to do it.

7. Lead with love and joy, rather than judgment or fear, especially for those newer on their paths to support.

8. You are not the only one. Not to have your certain identity, not in your certain congregation or school, not the only one who has had a certain fear or feeling. You (probably) aren't the first, you're not the only, and you're certainly not the last.

Getting involved with PFLAG all over the country has also given me the chance to get involved with my local chapter right here in St. Louis, where I've met incredible advocates who've taught me so much about the change I have the ability to make in my own backyard. As the advocacy chair, I get to help our members move towards making change with their friends and families, in their workplaces, and together across our state.

Speaking at a Rally for Trans Kids side by side with powerful community leaders and organizations, building a moment for radical joy

PFLAG nationally has fought in major lawsuits to defend families, has helped to create beautiful advocacy campaigns like Love Votes (link) and national media and art pieces that impact hearts and minds around the world.

100 PFLAG meetings later, the countless families I have met have shown me a mosaic of a world worth fighting for. Of a country full of people ready to lead with love. If you're looking to find community or support (whether as an ally or a queer person yourself), looking to hear more of the good queer news in your own backyard, or are looking to be a part of building that queer news in your community, I would highly recommend reaching out to your local PFLAG chapter. (include link to find a chapter) Tell them Ben sent you.

To all the PFLAG folks on this newsletter who have uplifted me, my story, my work, and our communities since the beginning, you mean more to me than I will ever be able to fully articulate. Thank you.

If you thought this week's newsletter was sappy...strap in folks. Next week is my first anniversary with my wife, and I'm about to out-sap the entire state of Vermont.

With love and hope as always,

Ben