The Nonfiction Books that Shaped my Joy

Good morning, lovely readers!

Below is an article that was released about a month ago to my paid subscribers. The only articles I ever put behind a paywall will be non time-sensitive narrative pieces like this one. We all deserve to hear the news as it happens. If you’d like to get pieces like this sooner (including an upcoming one about my journey with masculinity!), you’re welcome to join as a paid subscriber! Otherwise, I promise you’ll get all the articles eventually, and most of my stuff will keep being free!

If any of you are nerds like me, the prospect of an incoming blizzard prompts the immediate question: What am I going to read while I watch the snow?!

That, of course, got me thinking about some of my favorite books, and I thought I’d share those with you here!

Growing up, my parents often joked that I ate books for breakfast. As an adult with my own access to money, it’s even worse/better. Three square meals of books a day. Whether you met me from my book recommendations on Tiktok as your “trans older brother”, saw me give a presentation with my fancy bookshelf background, or have spent basically any time in a conversation with me, you’ve likely deduced that I’m a huge reader.

Over the years, I’ve read many, many books, but in the nonfiction umbrella there are a few books that have stuck with me in quite profound ways. I take great pride in my ability to give recommendations to others, and these books are ones that I often find myself doling out like candy to most audiences. (Don’t worry, there’ll be a fiction list to follow).

These books and essays shaped my career, my advocacy, and my overall outlook on the world around me and the humans I share said world with. I’ve read many more books that were interesting, meaningful, thought-provoking, etc. But these are the books that truly and fully changed something about the ways I interact with the world, often over the course of months or years.

As a reminder for those of you who aren’t paid subscribers, if you own a copy of my book (ebook, physical copy, even library checkouts count!) and you send me a picture or leave a comment on this article, I’ll gift you a free 3-month paid subscription! Otherwise, I plan on re-releasing this article in about a month. I won’t have any articles that are *permanently* paid-only, I just want to send some extra gratitude to those who are helping me devote more time and resources to my writing!

Now, without further adieu, I give you the nonfiction books that formed me.

The Calling, by Rha Goddess

Where it found me: This book easily is in the top tier of books that fundamentally changed my life (and with a name like Rha Goddess, I can't be surprised by that). I have existed for a long time at a challenging intersection: I have a strong aversion to the "grindset mindset" and am uninterested in being a ruthless businessman defined by his work—I love to rest and have plenty of un-monetized hobbies. AND I have big dreams for the mark I want to leave on this world through my work, and big plans for how I want to achieve it.

This means I often seek out "business books", but many of them do not align with the ways I want to conduct my business and my life. Then, on a rainy day at my local library this summer, I spotted this book on a procrastination walk. I have not been the same since.

Why I loved it: This book forced me to take a hard look at the stories I tell myself about success, money, possibilities, and what my obstacles were to the things I wanted. Then it helped me write new stories. Whether you are trying to figure out what you're passionate about, or you already know but you don't know how to actually make it happen, this book is for you.

My biggest takeaway: You don't get what you don't ask for, and in many cases your realistic "worst case scenario" is already true. You're already not working with that client, not connected with that person, not getting what you dream of. So go out there and get it.

Stolen Focus by Johann Hari (& Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport)

Where it found me: Like many of us, from 2020 onward my screen time was absolutely astonishing. I was spending more hours than I could count swapping between tiktok, instagram, and facebook, often late into the night and first thing in the morning. When I wasn't anxious, I bordered on numbness instead. I was having a hard time remembering much of anything, and struggling to focus—even on things I found genuinely interesting. I picked up a copy of Stolen Focus well over a year ago, not knowing much about it, and it absolutely blew my mind.

Why I loved it: This book truly embodied the "once you see it, you can't unsee it" mentality. Even the author himself seemed to be radicalized by his own research the further you get through the book. In some ways, this book is a relief: It moves social media addiction from an individual moral/willpower failure to an intentional business model by greedy, unethical social media companies. In other ways, it's terrifying to get a full picture of just how malicious and omnipresent the "attention economy" is.

Bonus - Digital Minimalism: I found this book about a year after reading stolen focus. I had already begun the task of changing my relationship to social media, but I still found myself falling back into old patterns and temptations. I also didn't know how to reconcile my need for social media as an author and speaker with my desire to disappear from the internet completely. While many of the books I'd read did an excellent job expressing the problems around the attention economy and proposing important systemic reforms, digital minimalism I felt did the best job of suggesting individual solutions to find some level of peace and intentionality while working towards broader societal change. This book is highly actionable.

Our work is everywhere: An Illustrated Oral History of Trans Resistance, by Syan Rose

Where it found me: Getting more involved in advocacy was one of the most meaningful choices I've made in my life. It was also one of the most exhausting. As I increased the amount of weight I was carrying, I knew I needed to increase my self-care strategies in kind. I was also working hard as an advocacy "welcoming committee" of sorts, helping folks newer to the movement decide how they could best get involved. In search for answers to many of these questions, I wound up (as I so often do) at my local bookstore.

Why I love it: This absolutely gorgeous book is made up of a number of interviews with community organizers and activists speaking about their own identities and roles in the movement for trans liberation. From community kitchens to artists to front-line protestors, this book beautifully showcases the countless ways that resistance can manifest—and the ways that joy plays a crucial role!

We Will Not Cancel Us and Other Dreams of Transformative Justice, by Adrienne Maree Brown

Where it found me: I have a lot of strong opinions about "cancel culture" that will most surely make their own article eventually, but for right now I will contain them here. While cancel culture as the right envisions it is largely a myth, I have found many social movement circles on the left to be, at times, vicious bordering on cannibalistic. On some level, it makes sense—when we are so routinely stripped of our power by people who couldn't care less about us, we know we can't exercise any power back over those individuals so we exercise power over each other instead. This book found me at a time of confusion and stress amidst intense movement infighting.

Why I love it: This book asks us to take a pause and develop new ideas of accountability, healing, and justice. It is a bite-sized read that reminds us to be slow to anger and quick to forgive, and to not jump to trying to feel powerful or in control by perpetuating cycles of harm on each other.

Bonus read - Ten Counterproductive Behaviors of Social Justice Educators:

I read this article (linked here) a few years ago as part of a cohort of grassroots activists learning to enact bigger change across the state of Missouri. Many of the strategies in this article have become crucial, central philosophies of mine. In particular, the line "Don't forget the courage it takes for someone to change their entire worldview" is a daily reminder for me.

How to Keep House While Drowning, by KC Davis (& Fair Play, by Eve Rodsky)

Where it found me: In short, as the title so aptly puts it, this pair of books found me while drowning. Drowning in work, in wedding planning, in sisyphean cleaning tasks, and in stress. I was doing too much, didn't know how to ask for help, and wasn't sure how to put things down.

Why I love these books: How to Keep House While Drowning is an extremely realistic, compassionate guide to taking care of yourself, your home, and the people around you when you may be struggling. My favorite lesson: When you're juggling too many balls, the secret isn't to be a better juggler. It's to learn which ones are plastic and which ones are glass.

Bonus: Fair Play is a mildly explosive book meant to blow the lid off unfair allocations of domestic labor, and proposes a new system for truly equitably sharing responsibilities. This book's discussion of the concept of "mental load" was absolutely earth-shaking for me, and has been extremely helpful as my wife and I have sought to build an equitable partnership.

Off to the bookstore!

Thanks for making it all the way here with me, reader! These books are truly all-time favorites, and I hope you're able to find some meaning in here too. If you've read any of these, or you have other books that have made a major difference for you, reply to this email or let me know in the comments! I'm always looking for my next great read.

That's all for now. Stay warm!

With love,

Ben