You Shall Not Monger my Fear Today, Sir!
Part 1 of a two part series on resilience building for LGBTQ+ folks and allies!
I originally published this article after I hosted an event called "Resource Mapping and Resilience Building for LGBTQ+ folks and Allies". It was awesome, and I wanted to write up an overview of the strategies we discussed for building our resilience. This has become one of my favorite events to host, and post-inauguration has become very important!
This is broken up into two parts because as it turns out I have quite a bit to say. Part 2 will cover more tactical strategies for building our resilience, but before we can build that muscle, I think it's crucial that we understand the forces we're actually up against.
Forwarded this email and want to make sure you don't miss part 2? Make sure you're signed up below! (this series will be free, you do not need to upgrade to a paid subscription to get part 2)
Resilience against what, exactly?
It's no secret that not everyone has a vested interest in our ability to be resilient, joyful, or relaxed as queer folks. Some folks are pretty determined to work for the opposite, actually. While some of these oppositional forces are very obvious, others are less so.
1. Hateful Politicians and Messaging Bills
By now, many of us are used to hearing the regular tolling of the bell marking a "new record set for anti-trans bills this year!" Taking a first pass look at this graph, it feels terrible. Do people really hate us this much?
Sometimes, it feels to me like people are competing to be tracking the highest numbers of anti-LGBTQ+ bills. Maybe it’s the cynic in me (he’s tiny, but he’s in there), but I can’t help but notice that whoever currently has the highest number is the source being cited by all the big news outlets, advocacy organizations, public speakers, etc. They’re then going to get more traffic, more views, more subscriptions, more donations, etc.
Of course I think it's crucial that we closely watch every legislator and bill that acts as a threat to our community, but we cannot just take these numbers at face value. For starters, many of these are duplicate bills, either filed in both the house and the senate, or filed by multiple legislators hoping to be the one with their name attached to the bill. These duplicates alone drive these numbers up like crazy (example: In 2023 in Missouri, we had eight roughly identical sports bans that were each counted separately).
In addition to the duplicates, we also see high numbers of messaging bills, which are bills that have no path to passage, sometimes not even a plan for trying to get it passed, and are meant exclusively to "peacock" or send a message. The message is usually things like "Be afraid of me!" or "I am the best patriot!" It is critical as we prepare for state and national legislative sessions that we connect with our state, local, and national advocacy organizations so they can let us know where the real threats are and we can direct our energy and our anxiety there.
If we want to stay sane, we cannot read every rude tweet or bill introduced as something that is guaranteed to come into being. In the same vein, we cannot treat every executive order or tweet like it is a law.
Let's look at this graph again. You know what I notice when I see this? From 2021-2023, roughly 14% of anti-trans bills passed each year (many, but certainly not all of which were blocked in court or have no pathways for enforcement). In 2024, though the volume of bills introduced was certainly higher, only 7% of these bills passed. This is HUGE. We defeated 93% of anti trans legislation. This is a massive achievement driven by the hard work of countless advocacy organizations and regular people deciding to write, call, and testify about these bills. We know how to fight this, and we will continue to do so.
How to change the path: Find your local or state LGBTQ advocacy organization and sign up for their mailing list. See if they have any upcoming or recent webinars where they review the most pressing threats. Consider volunteering to phone bank, testify, or otherwise support the organization. Getting involved and making friends in the advocacy world is a fantastic way to learning when you actually need to worry.
2. The Business Case for Fearmongering
The week after the 2024 election, I received this fundraising text from OccupyDemocrats:
It was pretty alarming to read that headline. 1 Million registered democrats voted for Trump? Oh, shit! Maybe this problem is bigger than I thought. I wanted more information, who were these democrats? Why the change? What can we do? So I started to google, and I came up dry.
Eventually, I scrolled down far enough that I finally found the headline they were referencing. The only problem? It was from Two and a half years ago.
So already, I'm a little peeved at the misleading use of this headline to make me freak out and try to motivate me to donate, but it's still a concerning headline, so I want to read the article anyways. Finally, I get to the numbers they mention:
Not included in this screenshot are the throwaway sentences casually mentioning that many of the folks counted were switching to/from third parties, not necessarily from one big dog to another. But even if they were, it looks like the net change is about 340,000 voters just in party changes (not including any new registration numbers). Sure, this is still a point of concern, but the headline itself was a second layer of pretty aggressive fearmongering. Read the article for yourself here.
The unfortunate reality is that most of your favorite fundraising-driven organizations, and basically all of your favorite news sites/journalists have a financial incentive to make you feel bad. Study after study has confirmed that negative words used in news headlines drive better engagement, more comments, and longer retention on news sites. Translation: Bad news = doomscrolling/fighting in the comments = money eyes emoji.
Headlines are meticulously optimised. Not optimised to be as descriptive or accurate as possible, but to be the most searchable, clickable, shareable title possible. Probably a safe bet to say that you cannot take a headline at face value. Ever.
Recent research has also revealed that those over-the-top, scam-like text messages you get from democratic candidates (“It’s Nancy Pelosi. I’m currently CRYING!!”) and democratic party organizations are being intentionally run similarly to internet scams. Particularly in their messaging strategies, and in the way they target vulnerable and older Americans. Check out more of this data here… it’s a doozy.
Note: This is not me saying that there is nothing to be afraid of and we can write every piece of bad news off as fearmongering, but we have to work on learning to know how to tell when something is an actual threat versus an attempt to scare you to motivate you to do something.
How to change the path: Don't trust headlines until you've read the full article, and don't be afraid to doubt or ask questions. Set rigorous boundaries around news intake. Maybe you only watch the news at certain times, or you disable national news headlines on your smart devices. We are not meant to have an IV drip of bad news all day. This is not "staying informed". This is torture that will strip you of your energy and your ability to actually do anything about what you're hearing.
My Motto: Know Less to Do More!
3. Your "For You" Page is not your Friend!
Many of us have gotten quite used to enjoying the hyper-personalized algorithms on our chosen social media platforms. They serve up endless hours of content tailored to our specific interests and emotions, and it becomes easy to imagine our algorithms as a good friend making recommendations about what we might enjoy next.
This is not the case. Your algorithm exists for one reason, and one reason only: Maximize the time you specifically spend on the app/website in order to maximize profit. It is no longer in any way an industry secret that these apps are built to be as addictive and attention-span breaking as possible. (Source: HBR, 2022)
Your algorithm is learning from everything you do. Unfortunately, one of the lessons it's learned best is that videos, posts, or comments that make us angry or afraid are far, far more effective at getting you to stay online. We learn that the world is angry and unsafe, that everyone is hateful, we stay locked in comment battles and locked in our homes and locked onto our screens. (Cleveland Clinic, 2024)
Bigger than that, they keep us from bothering to try changing things. Why talk to my neighbor if I assume his American flag means he is a through and through bigot? Why go to a city council meeting if I know it’ll be just like those hateful clips online? Everyone is saying we’re cooked. I’m too tired to show up. I’m so scared. I’m so hopeless. These apps are meant to make you feel numb, afraid, and unable to focus. The effect is intensified for those whose brains are still developing. This is not a bug, it's a feature. It's a business model. Why do you think most of these app executives won't let their families touch their products? (Fastcompany, 2023)
For further reading on this, I highly recommend the book "Stolen Focus". Blew my mind wide open.
How to change the path: Consider a screen time blocking app like Opal, and start to be intentional about your use of social media. Every time you go to open an app, try to pause and ask yourself:
1. What am I hoping to find by going on this app right now?
When I first started asking myself this question, the answer was things like "connection, a laugh, a political update". As I started to dig deeper and be more honest with myself, the answers most frequently became "numbness" or "meaning".
2. Do I know that I am going to get that thing?
I might see a funny video. But it might be buried in an hour of mostly unfunny videos that I immediately forget.
3. At what cost am I going to get that thing?
do I have to wade through 30 minutes of fear mongering poiltical rage-bait before I can see a picture of my friend's new dog?
What impact is being on this app going to have on my energy, happiness, focus, life, etc.?
4. Is there a more direct way to get what I'm looking for?
Can I watch a compilation of the "funniest queer tiktoks" on youtube? Can I text my friend and ask for a picture of their dog? Can I find a high quality hobby or volunteering opportunity that allows me to find meaning in my day?
In Sum:
I know I just threw a lot at you. Thanks for bearing with me and getting all the way to the end of this article with me! Now you see why I wanted to do two parts :)
It's important to remember that these systems at play have massive psychology, research, and marketing teams as well as multi-billion dollar profit margins and bank accounts. Falling victim to these strategies is not a personal or moral failing. They are meant to work, and for so long they do! Consider this your opportunity to learn how to "opt out".
If you want to help someone else "opt out" too, don't forget to share this newsletter with them!
With love always,
Ben
All very actionable, grounded things to keep in mind!! Thank you friend!
Thank you! This will helpful. I’ve saved this to reread when I feel that tension kick in!