How to Lead with Joy in Supporting Trans Kids
And celebrating a special anniversary!!
Today is a special anniversary for me.
I know. I have a lot of anniversaries. But part of choosing joy for me is about seeing lots of pieces of my life as worth celebrating and finding many opportunities to reflect on how far I’ve come! I’ll have as many parties as I like 🙂
Today is the two year anniversary of the release of my book: My Child is Trans, Now What? A Joy-Centered Approach to Support.
To celebrate, I want to share some of my favorite strategies from the book as well as a little bit about how much my life has changed because of this book. If you’ve been around for a while or even if you’re relatively new here, you probably know by now that joy is a very deeply held value of mine, and it’s something that I bring very thoughtfully and strategically into everything that I do. That most certainly includes supporting trans youth.
For so many parents and families, I found that people were getting stuck on fear and anger and suicide statistics. The whole reason people were getting involved or stepping up as allies was because they didn’t want their kids to kill themselves. Don’t get me wrong, neither do I. But centering joy means supporting trans kids not just because of what I’m afraid of but because I want to see them become joyful, lovable, resilient, loved, safe, fulfilled, trans adults. Having something we are fighting for, something we are working to build, will always be more sustainable in the long term than just something we are trying to run away from.
Since I know attention spans are short and I want as many trans kids as possible to feel as safe as possible, we’ll start with the strategies:
Number one: Celebrate the journey. Often.
Mark the date of their coming out or their legal name change or their top surgery, and celebrate that date. Treating that date as worth remembering and worth putting effort into sends the message that you view their journey as something good and beautiful. If they’ve just come out, What would it look like to honor that? Maybe they want to have a redo of a gendered ritual, like a bar mitzvah or a quinceanera. Maybe they want to host a gender repeal party or have the slumber party they always dreamed of being invited to.
Number two: Make intentional efforts to make them feel seen.
That means trying as a verb to get their name and pronouns right—the verb component of this being critical. I learned very quickly the difference between people who would say “I’m trying” just to get me to stop being upset, versus the people who were actually practicing and correcting themselves. Trying means effort! Two things can be true at once: you can give yourself grace for the truth that it can be very challenging to learn a new name and pronouns for someone, AND working towards getting it right matters a lot.
We can also help them feel seen beyond names and pronouns, like by having a formal family dress up dinner or they can wear clothes that make them feel affirmed, asking them what kind of compliments make them the happiest, or asking them directly, “how else can I make you feel seen?”
Number three: Look at grief from a different lens.
Often, when parents and families describe the grieving process they go through when someone comes out as trans, a significant portion of this is grieving expectations.Reflect more deeply. How do you know that you had those things? How do you know that they’re gone? I may not be my mom’s little girl anymore, but our relationship is so much closer now that I’ve seen her prove that love is actually unconditional and that she’s willing to go to bat for me when it isn’t easy. How might your relationships be deepened by this journey? And finally,
Number four: Don’t let this journey be shaped by the negatives.
Ultimately, life is one long story we are telling ourselves about the meaning of the various things that happen around us. If we choose only ever to think or talk about the bad news, about the problems to be solved, or the unsupportive family members, or the fears we have, those will become the entire story because it is the only story you are telling.
Take time to look for and sit with and celebrate the good news happening around you. When you’re preparing for a family gathering, don’t just ask what are we worried about, but also ask who do I think will surprise me the most today? Who will make the best effort on pronouns? Who will ask the best question? Who am I most grateful for? These kinds of reflections make space for us to tell ourselves a different story.
The challenges will exist either way, But we can and must choose to look for moments of peace and joy amid those challenges.
My chief barketing officer would probably bite me in my sleep if I didn’t include at least one link to buy the book. So here it is! But, really, all I want to say is that it’s up to all of us to build something better for trans youth. They deserve it.
I know I’ve got a lot of trans people and their families on this newsletter. I’m certainly not the only joyful person here. I’d love to hear from you. What has been the most joyful part of your journey of support with your loved one? Or how have you used joy as a strategy for support?
The Story of the Book
When I started working as a public speaker in 2019, I knew in the back of my mind I wanted to write a book that was somehow about transgender inclusion, but I wasn’t exactly sure what that book would look like. Once I started deepening my work with different PFLAG chapters and beginning my official quest to do a free event for every PFLAG chapter in the country, I realized that a book about supporting trans youth was the most important place to start. Over and over again in these meetings, I heard parents arrive mired in grief and fear and saw chapter leaders lovingly and patiently redirecting these fears towards love and joy, reminding those family members that no one has died and that this journey isn’t just about what you will lose, but about what you stand to gain. It was beautiful to witness.
Around the same time, I noticed a huge proportion, though certainly not all, of the most popular books for families of trans kids weren’t written with any trans perspectives. I figured it was about time we had a book about supporting trans kids written by a trans adult who had fairly recently gone through the journey of being a trans kid in need of resources. It was incredibly healing to write a book with all the things I wished my parents and school and community had known at the time.
Realizing I could be the reason a student could feel safe by default in their classroom or can feel totally supported at their next Thanksgiving was such a moving experience for me. So moving, in fact, that I ultimately made the dedication of the book: to little Ben in 2015. Thank you for choosing to stay so that I could write this book for you.
There were a lot of publishers who told me they didn’t need another book on the subject, that I didn’t have a big enough platform, that people didn’t care enough about this issue, or that I wasn’t the right person to write this book. There were some pretty dramatic moments in which we genuinely thought this book was down for the count. And yet, here it is, having blown past expectations of sales numbers, preparing for a paperback release in October. And more importantly, having meant something to so many people. The stories I have heard from people who’ve been touched and changed by this book are held very, very close to my heart.
Since its release, I’ve been fortunate not just to hear those stories but to fall in love with the process of telling stories in a totally new way. Though I’d always seen myself as a reader, this book journey gave me the confidence to see myself as a writer, and the dreams of what that could look like, and it’s driven me to build a career in writing here on Substack and to have a list of about 10 more books in various stages of development. I didn’t see myself as a writer at first, but everything is impossible until it isn’t.
If you want to learn more or you’re ready to get more involved, check out some of my favorite articles here:
That’s all I’ve got for today. Thank you all so much for being on this journey with me!
All my love,
Ben
Thanks Ben. Always nice to read you!
Delightful perspective! Thanks for this wisdom.