How Much PFLAG has Changed Me
Reflections after my 200th presentation!
There have been a lot of things in my life that have fundamentally changed the way my brain operates, but none quite so much as my journey with PFLAG. Last week with PFLAG Dallas was my 200th PFLAG presentation, and I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on how much this journey has meant to me.
In 2022, When I began my quest to give a free presentation for every PFLAG chapter in the country, I was lonely and was making frequent visual judgments of the people around me to guess who did and did not look like an LGBTQ ally. My worldview was one that was shared among many of my peers:
Blue states good. Red states bad. Big cities good. Small towns bad. Young people, mostly cool and supportive, while the older or more “typical” somebody looked, the more likely they were to hate me.
Put differently, I thought I was mostly alone in caring about LGBTQ people. That was reflected in the kinds of trainings that I was otherwise running in my public speaking work. All the presentations I gave had three parts: what it means, why it matters, and what you can do. I shared the language and vocabulary focused followed by a statistical and emotional plea to care about the transgender community, followed by some easy action steps for people who wanted to get started in an allyship for the first time.
One of the most beautiful moments early in my PFLAG quest was when I realized that when attending these PFLAG chapters, I didn’t need to convince anyone to care. I also found a level of love and support that wasn’t coming up at any of my other events. In the Q&A section, we branched far beyond the typical definition or political or personal into questions like, is this job sustaining you? Are people kind to you? Are you eating enough? Do you need a place to stay? All of it.
The care that surrounds me as I surround myself with PFLAG chapters heals me over and over and over again. I am absolutely giddy about how resolutely I’ve been proven wrong about where there is and is not love to be found. Turns out, the love is everywhere.
The Stories I Get to Hear
I’m also deeply and fundamentally heartened by my ability to see allyship from a simultaneously macro and micro level—I’m joining one to two different chapters pretty much every week since 2021 which gives me a close-up look at what’s going on all over the country. I get to notice when more grandparents start filling the rooms. When more chapters pick up advocacy initiatives and start asking “what more can we do? How else can we build safety for our trans loved ones?” I get to speak with a father who was a Southern Baptist minister and left his career and community in order to support his trans daughter.
If you had my job, how could you be anything but hopeful?
One of my favorite things in the world to see is when I get to be present for someone’s first PFLAG meeting. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings. Seeing someone show up tearful and wide eyed and totally lost and be completely enveloped in love and respect is a pretty magical moment. They’re given a soft place to land and gentle encouragement to grow, to be able to love their family member the way that they need.
Some of the lessons I’ve seen about that early support are captured in my article from 2024 where I was celebrating my first 100 PFLAG Presentations!
Deepening the Commitment
When I joined PFLAG, in my own city, the impact of PFLAG on my life expanded immensely. Before I joined my chapter In 2023, I was deeply involved in public speaking, but doing very little in the realm of advocacy. Then I met our board president during a trip to the state capital. We worked in a coalition to plan a counterprotest turned Trans-Joy-Party, and she asked me to become the inaugural advocacy chair. I’d only been to the capital twice, but no one else was doing the job and it needed to be done. So we built it together.
One of the things that I and many other leaders across PFLAG have learned is to ask ourselves: what’s better, me doing it imperfectly or no one doing it at all? If you’re looking at involvement of any kind, perhaps the question isn’t, am I the most qualified person for this job? Maybe it’s more like, what do I need to grow to meet this moment?
PFLAG, and so much of the radical queer history of every day people stepping up to do something has taught me over and over and over again that we save ourselves. That I am not alone. After three years living in a state away from home with very few friends, my St. Louis PFLAG chapter genuinely became my family.
Check out a chapter!
By the way, you don’t have to be a parent to join. I, as a transgender person, love being involved in my PFLAG chapter and I get a lot out of the relationships I’ve built there.
When I hear from someone who’s feeling isolated or frightened or ready to get to work or in need of support, the very first thing I do is look to see if there’s a PFLAG in that area because I know they are almost always ready to jump right into action. It’s incredible.
If you want to check out the local PFLAG scene, you can use this website to do so!
ALSO, PFLAG national is an amazing organization using their power, connections, and resources to build organizing power on the ground and file major lawsuits against the federal government to continually fight to protect trans and LGBTQ+ youth. I am consistently awed by their strategy and commitment to taking major risks in order to protect this community (and to work on public education enough to make the world a bit safer by default, too).
If you’ve got some extra cash to throw around and some extra love in your heart for the great work this organization is doing, don’t forget to check out their donation page!
Fin
The love I have both given and received from PFLAG has changed me more deeply than I think I’ll be able to understand. And I know this for certain. My hopefulness, my dedication, my energy, my safety are constantly being lifted up and replenished by the power of PFLAG.
If you’re a member of a PFLAG, by the way, and you want to do an event together, please let me know! As I hope I have proved by now, these events are completely free, and I am getting so much of what I need from them.
With all my love (and a little bit extra because my heart is so full today),
Ben
woo-hoo!! you got to 200!! I remember talking about this goal the first time you and I spoke - which was only about a year ago but feels like a lifetime. Keep up the amazing work, Ben - the light you shine reaches further and more powerfully than you can imagine (plus keep going to good bookstores and taking care of yourself) :-)
Great newsletter, Ben! Your energy, enthusiasm, and optimism are contagious.
Next time you're in the DC, please let me know. I co-host at my local country Pride Center a support group for caregivers of trans youth, and although it is an unaffiliated group, you would be most welcome to join us and share your wisdom and experiences.